Stores of intelligence and strength

May 6, 2016 ~ Friday

3a Can’t sleep. I had a breakdown yesterday. I am mentally and emotionally exhausted. I need help. Good help. Reliable help. Help!

I don’t know how to do this. It feels like everything is falling apart, and I’m like the little dutch boy with my finger in the hole, trying to stop the water from pouring through.

I am supposed to be in the power phase of my cycle, but instead I feel powerless and weak and frustrated, and I want to say the hell with it. I feel angry and used and alone.

There are times when I worry about my using weed to lift my mood, but then there are nights like last, when I was a total mess, and the weed helped me keep it together and smile at Mom and listen to her stories.

7:47a Sometimes I think – why bother trying? I am just going to live and die like every other person on the planet. Why go for anything? Then I remember who sends thoughts like that, and I straighten my crown.

No matter what is happening in my life right now, I am OKAY. I just keep putting one foot in front of the other, doing the best I can with what I have. I feel fully depleted, but I just keep going.

Am I under attack? I keep thinking of words in Outwitting the Devil by Napoleon Hill. The Devil induces us with negative thoughts then occupies that portion of our brain. I wonder sometimes if these thoughts are even mine. And that reminds me of what I learned at Crosslife.

“It is in desperate situations that genius occurs, for it is now that we must release old thought habits and focus our energy and creativity on the challenge ahead. It is now that we discover stores of intelligence and strength we didn’t know we had. This can be just what we need for real change.”

9:01p My thoughts are like a pinball, bouncing around. That’s what makes it so difficult to write as of late. But maybe, if I put my pen to paper, I could focus them.

No matter how many times I fall, I will get back up again.

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