The children of your soul

May 17, 2016 ~ Tuesday

11:25p Just dropped Edward at the airport. He is only away one week this time, but it still feels hard to be away from him. At the same time, it allows me to reset and focus on our goals.

The urge for alcohol is leaving me. I watched Into the Wild tonight, and it reminds me of all the things I dream about. Travel, freedom, nature, truth, good company, clear thinking, clean living. Alcohol is not part of that equation. The dream me is not a drinker. She imbibes deeply the elixir of life.

I put Pandora on when I returned from the airport tonight. I usually enjoy the silence when Edward leaves. Tonight is just too quiet. I am grateful for Justice, my constant companion.

It was a good day. Early on I was upset because we weren’t *doing* anything. But I – we – needed a day of rest. We watched a romantic comedy last night then spent over an hour dancing. I followed Edward’s lead, and we just enjoyed the music and each other. We were up until 1:30a and made love before bed.

So we slept in this morning – until 9:30a! I never really recovered, and my head felt fuzzy all day. We had eat-out leftovers for lunch, made love twice more, then napped until 4:30p. We browsed wedding venues and researched local cheeses. It was a great mix of relaxation and responsibility.

It’s been one week since I left my weed behind in Spokane. I don’t miss it – at all. In fact, it feels great to be clean and clear-minded. I feel less compelled to drink too. I am actually looking forward to being sober as well.

“Cherish your visions and your dreams as they are the children of your soul, the blueprint of your ultimate achievements.” ~Napoleon Hill

I keep seeing a vision of me sitting high on the mountain, on a craggy rock, overlooking a magnificent view of waters and trees, feeling totally serene. Why do movies like Into the Wild and the book by Cheryl Strayed move me so deeply? Why do I long to hike the Appalachian Trail and the Pacific Crest Trail and the Great Wall of China? Why does wild nature scare me and call to me so? Why do I want to build a tiny house in the middle of nowhere beauty in Montana?

Could these dreams and this vision actually be the blueprint of my ultimate achievements? Am I meant to be in the wild, exploring? Is my longing for nature’s solitude more than just a selfish whim?, irresponsible hiding? Is my real purpose hiding there?

What about being wed to Edward? Will he wander with me? Will he bring balance?

And what of writing? Will I ever write my story?

I am not afraid of parting with things and people that hurt me. They don’t understand, but neither do I. Somehow that has to be okay.

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