I fought fear all day

May 27, 2016 ~ Friday

6:05a I spent a full week with little sleep when Sarah and Tasha quite the tasting room. I only recovered two days ago, when Mom’s cocktail of sleep aid and ibuprofen and a glass of wine finally knocked me out. Just in time to collect Edward from the airport and drive to Bellingham to check out a possible wedding venue – Glen Echo Gardens.

The next morning, yesterday, we were en route to Walla Walla, driving the backroads to save time, struggling to stay productive with spotty cell and internet service. We were between Othello and Vantage when the car died. Edward managed to get us onto the shoulder, where we were stranded for the next three hours.

(: Miraculously :), in that very spot we had a 4G network, four bars of cell service, and an amazing view. I was struck by the beauty and good fortune we were enjoying. I had purchased roadside assistance with the vehicle, and the dealer was a wonderful help. We were kept safe, including the $400 in cheese I was hauling for the club.

The tow was reasonable, the driver friendly, and the Subaru staff were compassionate and helpful. They even had a dog park! where I could let Justice out to stretch her legs, rehydrate, and relax in the shade while my loaner car was arranged.

I fought fear all day, refusing to allow it to root in my mind. I know it was an oil issue, even though my indicator light never came on. I know. I fought fear of the tow charges. I fought fear of the damage to my vehicle. I fought fear of the semi trucks blowing by within inches of us. I fought fear and negative thoughts and used Facebook to stay entertained and positive. Every time fear tried to bully its way into my mind, I repeated my mantras over and over to drown him out. *No fear*. *I am full of faith*. and *I will have all the resources I need*.

I began to feel weak, hungry, exhausted, and I continued the good fight. Edward was by my side, and Justice was peaceful behind us. Fear raged its attack, and in my fatigue I rested my forehead to Edward’s shoulder and said – out loud – what I chose to believe, no matter what. *I will have all the resources I need*. *I will have all the resources I need*. *I will have all the resources I need*. At that very moment, I received an email notification on my phone. I just had a wallet load from ASEA. I can’t remember the last time I had a wallet load.

It wasn’t about the thirty dollars. It was personal. It was confirmation that my message was received, and that Infinite Intelligence and Love is acting on my behalf. Today is another miracle.

What I didn’t record in my journal that day was the fact that I was on my way to Walla Walla for my alcohol eval, which was required of me as part of my DUI. Edward and I had stayed up late drinking the night before, and I was very hungover. The breakdown kept me from making my appointment – and from testing positive for alcohol on the eval.

I knew better than to drink the night before my eval! I had been kicking myself all morning, certain of the impending doom when I met with the evaluator. How could I have been so reckless and stupid?!

The miracle of that day included the fact that I felt rescued from my own self-sabotage. I was being given a second chance – one that I didn’t deserve, but one that I was going to make the most of. I was able to reschedule my appointment, and I passed the eval with flying colors. In addition, the $5,000 of damage to my car was completely covered by the insurance company, and she got a brand new engine, effectively erasing our previous 75,000 miles of wear and tear – on her anyway.

I didn’t know at the time how important these factors would be, that I would spend the next two years living in that vehicle, exploring wild and untamed places, climbing rugged mountains, off-roading to secluded peaks and valleys, traversing empty and arid deserts, crossing the country from coast to coast five times, and putting in another 75,000 miles on the road full time.

2 Comments on “I fought fear all day

  1. I am blown away by the beauty of your words every time you write. Of course, you should be writing books. Your words are more poetic than Robert Frost or Emily Dickinson. And your words are more mysterious, suspenseful and forceful than anything Steven King ever thought of!

    Like

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