Withdrawals from my integrity account

July 30, 2016 ~ Saturday

5:01p I am at Mirabeau Park, sitting on a rock and looking out over the lazy river. I wanted to come here alone after John’s funeral. I needed the healing, cleansing power of nature.

I don’t get out into nature often enough. All I do is so focused on work. I don’t take enough time to nurture myself and do the things I love to do. I intend to change that. I intend to be more purposeful about my passions.

A wedding party just invaded my space. It was cute, and I’ll bet the photographs will be awesome. I snapped a couple of shots myself.

I came here to do some soul searching. I let my drinking get out of control again last night, and I have no idea why. I am facing the abstinence question again, as it appears I cannot moderate. Of course I am considering Aug 1st as my start date.

I have been faithful in my morning “home court habits” – visualizing our dreams, calling my future into my present, working out, making a healthy brunch, and working and playing diligently and mindfully. I am so excited to be chasing our dreams! Why then, did I over-indulge last night? There was no reason for it. No reason at all.

Can I actually make it 30 days? And if I do, what happens after that? There is so much I will miss, but don’t I have more to look forward to? How can I do my job without drinking? Why do I feel so wimpy? This should NOT be the death of me. I am bigger and badder than this.

7:30p I am vacillating, going back and forth on the abstinence question. One part of me thinks it should be enough to just create boundaries and follow them. No drinks before close, only two drinks per day. But I have tried moderating so many times, and what is the definition of insanity?

I find an infinite number of reasons to excuse my indulgences. I read recently that is the addictive voice, coming from the beast. Any high, any low, all are good reasons to drink. I can establish all the boundaries I want, but the addictive voice finds ways and means of circumventing them.

What would life be like without alcohol??? Don’t I deserve to find out?! Here is a crazy concept – just try it. What is the worst that could happen if I don’t drink in August? Actually, the worst that could happen is to let myself down. I can’t stand making withdrawals from my integrity account. I need to know I can depend on myself.

I cried a lot at John’s funeral today. I don’t know why. I was not that close to him. He was a dear, sweet man, but there is no real loss for me. I barely saw him or thought about him. Why does it sting so? I could hardly contain my tears during the entire day. And now I feel wiped out, weak and weepy.

I miss Edward. I wish he would hurry home so we can spend the evening together.

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