Another stab at abstinence

August 1, 2016 ~ Monday

8:04a Day One. I almost talked myself out of it. I almost talked myself into attempting moderation again this month. I almost decided that it was good enough to limit myself to two drinks each night. Then I broke my own rule immediately. I had at least three drinks last night, smoked at least two bowls, and passed out in the chair again.

I need to come to grips with the plain fact that I am addicted. The beast is a craving lunatic that will take me down a road to destruction. Like action always produces like results. Oh how the beast desires its pleasures. It almost had me.

Day One. I decided to do it. I will abstain for the month of August. I will abstain for the entire month. No allowance for “work” conditions. No tasting the lineup. No tasting with cheese. No.

I hear both sides of the argument. I feel the deep sigh of relief at the idea of freedom. And I feel the trepidation and rationalization of the addictive voice. How will I do my job?, it asks me emphatically. I don’t know. All I know is that I will not drink for the month of August.

Day One. I woke tired and hungover. I almost poured a little Riesling to help me through it, but I stopped myself. My first little victory. How will I handle the withdrawal symptoms? I don’t know.

6:14p It felt good to get in a hike today! We did the five mile loop at Iller Creek with Justice. As I walked, I felt like a whole new person, one who is living free from addiction and fear and guilt and shame.

My first challenge came when we decided to go out for happy hour – and decided to try a new pizza place. I really wanted a beer with my pizza. Edward was gracious enough not to order one either. I was slightly tempted to order one, the addictive voice coming up with rationalization, but instead I stood firm in my commitment. It felt really weird to not have a beer with my pizza, but I just focused on how great it would feel to not have to log in all of those calories.

My cheerfulness has waned as the evening approaches and I try to figure out how to stay clean and sober. I made a trip to the library in hopes of scoring a good book or two to help me.

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