A.M. There was a full moon last night. It was beautiful! Lit up the sky so well that I did not need a flashlight to walk around, even at 2:30a when I needed to use the restroom. I heard the howling again last night, and also some kind of distant grunting noise.
Two deer wandered by just outside of camp again last evening as Justice and I were enjoying the fire. They looked right at me. Justice wanted to chase them so badly! I just said, “Thank You” and again asked God what I should do with my life.
I fell asleep last night holding my magic rock, trying to decide what was the very best thing that happened. It was all the very best, and I could not choose, and I fell asleep thinking of all of the day’s wonder. It was only about 9:30 – I know this because it was just beyond moonrise. I woke to that gorgeous moon shining down on me through my tent. It was so big and bright, and I really wanted a picture! So I turned my phone on and tried to get it. It was 2:30a.
I lied awake for at least another 2-3 hours. I listened to the thoughts in my head, still so full of anger and hurt. I tried to breathe peace into my mind. How do I purge this anger? How do I bring something constructive from this? I am feeling more settled, but then I catch myself clenching my jaw, a sure sign that I am just suppressing my pain and angst. I practice gratitude, and that helps for a spell. Then the waves come again and catch me unsuspecting.
Today is my last day and night here at Douglas Falls. I want to work with my archetype wheel and see what kind of clarity I can get. I feel I have narrowed down the kinds of power at work in my life – somewhat. I actually seem to identify with quite a lot. But now what can I do with this information? How can it help me? I am ready to move into my next season; I just don’t know what to do with it, nor who I am to be.
The word I keep hearing here is ALLOW. Does it only apply to here and now, in this place? Or does it extend beyond, fully into the next season of my life? I guess only time will tell. I’m still trying not to “mess up”.
A.M.2 I have finished reading Archetypes by Caroline Myss, a sister to the other book I am reading, Sacred Contracts by the same author. My present understanding is that I am:
1 – My ego, personality and self-esteem is where I have the tendency to “sell out” as the Prostitute.
2 – What I most value and hold dear has a sense of refinement and power: money, ownership, status, art, sensuality, beauty, the capacity to control others. My sense of groundedness is of the Goddess.
3 – I am Visionary in how I direct my energy into the world, how I wield my power, how I engage with the laws of magnetic attraction – cause and effect – and how I communicate, find my voice, and weigh my decisions.
4 – The Saboteur has the strongest influence on the foundation of my emotional nature, the leading influence in my home and the emotional energy with all I associate with “home”. I sabotage efforts to complete the unfinished business from my childhood and to establish a healthy home as an adult. (I have no home.)
5 – I am a Rebel when it comes to creative expression, sexuality and love. I rely on the Rebel for abundance and opportunity and how to make things happen. I thrive creatively when I buck the norm and do things differently.
6 – I am deeply passionate and devoted to my work and health. I am a Lover of work and health, and this is how I seek out paths to security.
7 – I intellectualize intimate relationships and communication. I am trying to determine cause and effect in order to get the relationship right, to make it work. I approach my business partnerships and social relationships in much the same way. My emotions are pure, but I treat them as an Intellectual, then I respond in kind, and it comes across as heartless.
8 – ? must ponder… The Seeker/Guide/Healer is my guide into my fears, challenges and strengths in dealing with money, inheritance and sexuality. It has to do with secrets, secret activities, my sense of values and my ancestral biological memory.
9 – I approach spirituality as my Wounded Child, but I can become the Nature Child. I am fearful that spirit, travel and wisdom will hurt me. I long for these things but feel an irrational sense of danger at the same time. The spiritual awakening referred to as the “dark night of the soul” resonates powerfully with me. Deep down, I believe you must learn through pain.
10 – I feel victimized in my efforts to achieve my highest potential. This is where my belief that other people will let me down comes from; my belief that I am stopped (assaulted) in my attempts to be all that I can be. If others would just do their part…
11 – I am a natural Networker in how my power operates in this world. I am a coalition builder.
[Side note: Upon completing my work with the archetype wheel, I knew my time at camp was also complete. That knowing came in an instant. I had done what I came to do. I did not stay another night. I immediately broke camp and returned to my apartment in Spokane.]
P.M. I have returned to the land of the living – or is it the land of the dead? I feel like where I came from is the land of the living.
I had my first conversation with Edward in five days. He sounds like a changed man, but that remains to be seen, not heard. He validated me, acknowledged all that I did for the company and apologized for leaving the weight of the world on my shoulders. It felt good to hear, and to be heard. Will this be long lived? I have no idea. But right now it feels good, and I am looking forward to seeing him when he comes home from work tonight.
Mom was already gone when I got home. I am glad to have a few hours to myself before diving back into these relationships. I have missed them both, but I appreciate that neither of them will see me in my present condition. I want to unload the car, do my laundry and take a shower, then settle myself in. If I have time after all of that, I will do some reading and maybe a little research, so I can bring my vision here, home, so that it does not only exist “out there”.
But I had to rest for a moment, give thanks, and settle Justice back in before I see to my duties. She was the perfect companion for my Vision Quest, and I am deeply grateful for the gift of her presence and love – and her watchfulness. I want to also give thanks for this home and for the people who love me. I want to honor and express gratitude for every moment (and person) that led me to this one. ❤
7:31p I feel weird, sitting in this third level apartment… I don’t feel grounded. I need the earth.
9:45p I was stuck in the mode of “consumption” of information, hoping it would make me wise or help me see truth. Now I know that wisdom is in the pondering, not in the consumption. Though one must eat.