12:45p I am locked out from starting my car again, due to one little glass of Riesling I had while waiting for lunch over an hour ago. I simply do not understand the dynamics of alcohol in my body, why my BAC registers so high, or why it takes so long to come down.
What I do understand *symbolically* from this experience is that alcohol is preventing me from going anywhere right now. Eventually my level will drop and I will start the car and we will be off and running, but right now I am stuck waiting on the alcohol to work its way out of my system.
I feel this is spiritually the case for me as well. The Universe keeps telling me what to do with my alcohol habit, but I keep wanting to keep my options open, do things my own way. That, of course, cannot work, but I keep trying it anyway. When will I learn and heed the message?
I need to quit drinking. There is no reason for me to continue, and one thousand and two reasons to stop. I just need to accept this and let it go. I need to slough off the old so that I can be transformed.
I need to come to a decision and be done with it. That is the only positive path for me.
2:30p I have a single date in front of me – August 16, 2017 [my wedding date]. I have two goals between now and then – be in Florida in December to hold my new grandson, Grayson, and to be in Paris by my 44th birthday. What is supposed to happen between now and then? I wish I knew.
I feel like Paris is a huge symbol for me – and on many different levels. The Eiffel Tower has been a symbol of travel for me, an icon that bids me to follow my dream of travel. It was a major life goal I set up in my mind in early adulthood – that I would have traveled to Paris by the time I reached 40, that I would enjoy a latte in an outdoor cafe, wearing a little black dress and a wide-brimmed hat. Should I accomplish this, it would mean I had kept my promises to myself, to live the full adventure of life.
Now it seems a symbol of compromise, of me settling for less, of me selling myself short. I did embark on a major travel goal – I went to Rome with Jennifer. And I “counted” that as having reached my goal. I permitted a substitute dream and then convinced myself that the essence of my dream was real, though the exact nature of it was different. It was Rome, not Paris, but that was okay. I traveled across that ocean. And I saw Pisa and Pompeii.
Now Paris calls to me again. Still a symbol of travel, as in my youth. But it is also now a symbol of thwarted dreams, settling for less than what I wanted (if not less, than other). I promised myself I would travel, that travel would be a part of my life. Then it seemed impractical, and I told myself I reached the dream already, just in another dress. But I really let my dream go. I just let it go.
Rome should have been a launch, not a lie. It should have been a door, a gateway, not the end of the road for me.
Paris beckons me anew, not as the end goal, but as a new beginning. I have a choice.
I am a promise. I am a possibility. I am a promise with a capital P. I am a great big bundle of potentiality! And I am learning to hear God’s voice. And I am trying to make the right choice. Cause I’m a promise to be anything God wants me to be.