What if I allowed my victim to feel her worth? My third solo camp

September 8, 2016 ~ Thursday

6a I woke from a dream this morning that was about Patit Creek Cellars going under, and everyone knew we were in trouble, and all the staff were suddenly trying to figure out ways to help – only this dream included players from The Source too, most notably Julie Kosharek and Phil VanVynckt. I believe it was Phil and his wife who bought Patit Creek Cellars for $1.4 million dollars.

My thoughts on waking? This is a pattern for me. I go to work for companies that are struggling. The last two companies I worked for without pay many times. Why? Is this a negative belief that I need to overcome, or is this part of my contract?

My next thought was to the packaging on the new necklace I bought, the closest thing to a floating diamond I have ever found. The lines on the package read:

Shine
Renew your light
Manifest your dreams
Realize your worth

It was that last sentence that came to mind. Realize your worth. Is this the lesson I am to learn?

I recall another time with Tamara. We were at the Outer Banks, sitting together in the hot tub. I don’t remember what we were talking about, but she said something outrageous!, and I said, “How could you do that?!”

And she said, “Cause I’m worth it!”

The look in her eyes, the flip of her hair, and the turn of her shoulder toward me told me that she believed it, emphatically. that moment has stuck with me.

Is that the lesson? Realize my worth? I feel like I do realize my worth. I just don’t demand or seek what I am worth. I tell myself that this is a way to be of service – to provide what I can do at a fraction of the cost. but is this just something my mind tells me in order to twist the truth? Is there something deeper here I need to deal with?

Is there a power issue at work here? Is this one more destructive way that makes me feel powerful but actually depletes me? Sucks me dry?

I hear about people like Chris Brown, telling his employer what his salary and benefit demands are, and that if they are not satisfied that he has two other offers. And I think, how arrogant and selfish! I certainly don’t want to be like that. But I also don’t want to sit in another room watching my replacement being awarded a salary twice what I was making. They thought he was worth it.

Is there a way to expect what I am worth and still be considerate of others and be of service to those in need? I think Marshall and Jessica modeled that for me.

Is this the Victim archetype at work again here? My work is strongly tied to my highest potential, and I feel quite like the victim sometimes. The Victim is the Guardian of Self-Esteem, or self-worth. I think I am on to something here. And I think I need to empower my Victim. I need to let her gain power through personal protection as opposed to martyrdom. Sacrificing oneself is only a false sense of power. In the end, I lose it all. My health, my mental and emotional well-being, my financial security, my future opportunities.

What would happen if I stopped playing the Victim when it comes to my highest potential? What if I allowed the Victim to feel her worth, to stand up for herself, to protect our self-esteem and personhood? Perhaps we really could shine – and manifest our dreams.

Stop offering your neck to people!

8a Back to reading Anatomy of the Spirit. I move on to Part II, The Chakras. I have skipped ahead to the fifth chakra, as that is where my primary challenge lies (as I currently understand myself).

*Primary strengths of the fifth chakra: faith, self-knowledge and personal authority; the capacity to make decisions knowing that no matter what decisions we make, *we can keep our word to ourselves* and others.

I need to make this decision to quit drinking, and I need to know that I can trust myself, that I will follow through, that I will keep my word.

10a From Anatomy of the Spirit:

“The essence of the fifth chakra is faith. Having faith in someone commits a part of our energy to that person; having faith in an idea commits a part of our energy to that idea; having faith in a fear commits a part of our energy to that fear. As a result of our energy commitments, we – our minds, hearts and lives – become woven into their consequences. Our faith and our power of choice are, in fact, the power of creation itself. We are the vessels through which energy becomes matter in this life.”

“The universal human journey is one of becoming conscious of our power and how to use that power. Becoming conscious of the responsibility inherent in the power of choice represents the core of this journey.”

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