11:11a There was no journal entry for today, 2016. When this has happened before, I have moved backward in time and posted the most previous entry. Today, I choose to post from present day.
I have been posting an entry a day (ish) since August 15, the three-year anniversary of my Un-birthday. I had no idea how the decision to publish my private journals, day by day, would impact me. Already, I am deeply moved by this project and motivated to continue with integrity – and with gratitude to the impulse which inspired it.
This practice is as much for me as it is for you – whoever you may be. As I read and re-record each entry here, I am reminded of what I went through there. I am reminded of the unquenchable urges that tormented me, and I am reminded of the perpetual yearning that beckoned me. It was both that led me out into the wilderness – and kept me out there for two years.
Reintegrating with society has been difficult. I am not the same.
And yet I find myself facing the same challenges I did back then, challenges I recorded in the pages of my private journals.
How do I be the ME I really want to be, all of the time? How can I remain free from the control of alcoholic drinking? Is it possible to love another and still remain true to myself? How do I find and walk in my purpose? Can I support myself by doing what I am most passionate about? How do I make my dreams a reality? How can I strengthen my faith and my trust in the unseen? How can I be more effective in my “prayer life”?
I put that last one in quotes, for I want to avoid any misunderstanding of my personal principle of prayer. Prayer for me is simply talking to Spirit, to God/Source/Universe, and coming into congruence with All That Is. Prayer is dialogue, where I seek wisdom and understanding in order to live in, walk out, and speak to Truth.
The practice of reading my old journal entries is helping me remember (as in re-member) and anchor in all I have learned, that my struggles may not have been in vain, that I may indeed accomplish what I set out to do.
It also serves as a reminder of what the logarithmic spiral has taught me – the cyclical nature of life. It is a reminder of how far I have actually come, even when it feels I am merely circling the mountain once again. The logarithmic spiral turns back on itself in increasing geometric progression, so that each loop spreads itself further from its origin, exponentially.
This practice is also my personal acknowledgement of the power of the light. Every day that I choose to publish my private journal pages – real, raw and unedited – I win a battle with the darkness. Not that darkness is to be defeated, mind you. My months of shadow work has taught me better. Instead of trying to defeat the darkness, I choose to befriend my shadow, embrace its presence within myself, validate and celebrate it, and bring it into the light – where it can be integrated into the Love that dwells there. In that space, we can then embody a mastery where there is no defeat.
For I, like many of us, used to put more faith in the dark for acceptance and approval. I hid the more unsavory pieces of myself, believing this was necessary and appropriate. This is not an act of love but of fear. And fear is not my master.
I believe it is a time to embrace and speak the whole truth. I still stumble daily, but this practice is helping me to anchor in this intention. Every day I get to make a choice – to let the outside in and let my insides out, to speak my truth as best as I understand it, to no longer hide, and to know and wield the power therein.
This is my gift to mySelf, and it is my gift to the world. It is my reasonable service to Spirit. This is my holy act of radical authenticity.