7a My experiment at living “out” while at home is more difficult than I imagined. It is far too easy to default back into old patterns. I have all of this food here, so I eat whatever I want instead of sticking with the plan. The weed is here, so I indulged – and then some. I have electricity, so I turned on the lights and watched YouTube videos and almost fell asleep in the chair again. I need to re-think my strategy.
I did not drink though. That is the most important decision I can make right now. I did not drink. I am going to have to stop giving myself a pass of the rest of it – starting today – otherwise I will just be trading one bad habit for another, and I seriously don’t want to do that.
Today I reclaim my car and my license. I go to the licensing dept to get my new driver license, then at 2p is my appt to have the intoxalock removed. Then I plan to get her washed and cleaned inside too, windows and all. I am excited.
I am doing all I can to make the changes to my environment, because “it is easier to change my environment than it is to change myself”. I culled my closet and drawers and de-cluttered the rest of the house too. I have to find a way to make this stick. I have to find a way to change my life. I want to live my desires, not just dream them.
This idea of not being special and important really has me twisted up. I was confronted with the same notion as I watched a teaching by Carolyn Myss last night. She actually warned against thinking you are special and important. But how do I live greatly without such a belief?, if I thought my life didn’t actually matter in some important way?
What I do know is that the next ten days are significant to me. I am at home alone, but I am trying to live the lessons I have learned out there. I want to eat right, sync my body clock, sleep enough, move my body in the early morning, and devote myself to study – reading, writing and ruminating. I want to live my new live out of the “comfort” of my own home, making positive, mindful, healthy choices for myself and my future. I need a clear head to do this.
The more I am exposed to the teaching of Carolyn Myss, the more I see and understand what is happening and how it lines up with the scriptures. I must become congruent as a person. My will and my actions must line up. My mind and my heart must align as well. All dis-ease and dysfunction begins with a betrayal of me with myself.
Already I am glamorizing my role, when the reality is going to be gritty and dirty.
I read some of Walden last evening and found it once again fascinating. He speaks of acquiring and learning and making your way with your own two hands. Do you want a good knife? Then harvest the ore from the hill, smelt it and form it. Do you want a home? Then collect the materials you need and build it.
“I have heard it proposed lately that two young men should travel together over the world, the one without money earning his means as he went, before the mast and behind the plow, the other carrying a bill of exchange in his pocket. It was easy to see that they could not long be companions or cooperate, since one would not operate at all. They would part at the first interesting crisis in their adventure. Above all, as I have implied, the man who goes alone can start today.”
Could I? Should I? Can I just decide to travel the world? Is that a wise course of action or a foolish flight of fancy?
Thoreau also writes that, by living simply, he could earn enough wages to live a year in only six weeks. This allowed him to focus on his studies and his life work as opposed to a daily employment. Might I be able to do the same? Could I design a simple life that could be quickly and easily funded, freeing me up to focus on my studies and my life work?