7a The waiting is starting to wear on me. I want to start planning.
I need to think of something to do with my time in the evening. A strange resurgence of binge eating is taking place in my life. I don’t know where it’s coming from. It has been many years since I have struggled with bulimia. Why now? Because I quit drinking? I am twelve days sober, by the way. I am elated! and yet disturbed by what has come in its wake.
Can we talk about this, Sonya? Why do you need the wine or the weed or the food? What is driving you to abuse these things?
I spent much of the day watching YouTube teachings by Carolyn Myss yesterday. The more recent they were, the more outrageous she became. There is an essence in her teaching that feels so true – like our soul being the seat of truth and that we are all wired with a conscience, knowing right and wrong, and a healthy person is a congruent person. But then she says that Jesus was not really the son of God and that we live in a galactic neighborhood. Am I dealing in occult matters that I should stay away from, or is this a true awakening?
I started a movie at 8p, watched it to the end, and put myself to bed at 10:15. I fell asleep holding my magic rock.
I need to seriously consider the next three months and how I should best spend them. I am initially inclined to spend the time partly in solitude and partly visiting my family. I would like to see my family in California (the only thing I can connect with California is calling), meet more of my family from Montana, spend time in Oklahoma, then be in Myrtle Beach for Thanksgiving and Florida for Grayson’s birth and maybe even Christmas.
That would mean not going back to work until January, and without an employment plan. Can I do that? Do I even want to do that? Is that the most wise course of action? Is this what my soul or my spirit is prompting me to do?
My internal barometer is moving from “Take the time and space you need” to “Okay, enough already! Time to get to work”. Is that my ego and fear kicking in, wanting me to scurry into my next project?, or is it really time?
And what of writing? I seem to be leaning toward astrology and the healing arts. Is this my true path? What of my yearnings to write?, to lead the lifestyle of a writer? Are they one in the same in some way I cannot see yet?
And what of this cosmic warfare? Do I have a role to play in this? Is this the epic battle I have played out in my head so many times?
I need clarity, and this is one of the reasons I did not bring weed with me into my camps. I need to know that what I am thinking and feeling is real, not a high. I need to be able to trust my instincts and to act on my intuition with confidence. No more weed this week. Give me seven days clean and sober.
I need to take a moment to express my gratitude and celebrate my sobriety. I have spent the last two years trying to figure out how to change my relationship with alcohol. And now, one year to the month after my first abstinence experience, here I am. My efforts were part of the solution, but divine assistance helped seal the deal. In fact, once I stopped trying to make it happen on my own terms and just followed the path my inner guidance laid out, the solution became more effortless.
Which brings me to my plans for the future. I feel like I need to plan the next three months. I need the security of knowing what I am doing and that I have the means to care for myself along the way. I was fixing an ultimatum in my mind – that I would have a plan by the end of the week. Then I read an article by Gina DeVee on the feminine art of spontaneity and the wisdom of creativity that comes from being unplanned and in the unfolding flow of the universe.
Indeed, part of my “hair-brained idea” for this year has been to break myself out of the masculine planning mode, having it all figured out, and acting out my marching orders each day. I had this silly notion that I would spend the next year just putting one foot in front of the other and seeing where that would take me.
On second thought, the idea sounds preposterous. Who would be foolish enough to do such a thing? It feels like the ultimate in irresponsible action. What, are you trying to be homeless and broke?!? I could not possibly live that way.
But maybe that is the point. When the Universe sends you a message that hits the nail on the head, it doesn’t always feel like “Oh glory, hallelujah, that’s it!” with bells and whistles and goosebumps. Sometimes it’s more like “Oh shit!” and that sinking, fearful feeling that you are being asked to do something that you think you don’t want that will change your life in irrevocable ways.
That is what this decision feels like. There is no glory and goosebumps, but there is the hallmark of truth, a deep inner knowing. A decision like this would challenge me to the core. My security, my fears, my relationships – to myself and to others – all would be altered, and in ways I could scarcely imagine from this side of the gate.
From Gina DeVee:
“Excelling in the feminine art of spontaneity is about letting yourself be divinely guided, and recognizing that so much of that guidance is only available to us in the NOW. I know that for those of us who’ve grown accustomed to the masculine ways of the world, it may seem daunting to let go of the habits we think keep us safe. But to be spontaneous doesn’t mean we have to feel stressed, frantic, or like we are not in control of our lives.”
“To thrive in a state of spontaneity, you need to have faith that God is always creating the best possible opportunities for your life. A lot of us make plans in advance because we think it is the surest way to get what we want, but often it just makes us attached to specifics, leading to frustration and disappointment when things don’t quite work out as we imagined. If you surrender to God’s plan, you don’t have to be upset or go into a panic about what life gives you (or takes away), because your ultimate response to any door closing is to look for the window that’s opening. Trust that it’s always, always there.”
“Making decisions in the moment becomes effortless when you are super in touch with your body, your heart and your desires. Always pay attention to how you feel rather than letting your ideas of what you should be doing run your life. Spend time meditating, being, and keeping your energy high-vibe. Moment by moment, you have the opportunity to slow down, look within, and ask for divine guidance. What is today supposed to be about? Where are you called to be? Who are you called to serve? What would light you up right now? Asking the right questions will lead to much more powerful actions than plans alone.”
“Always ask for more. Maybe you never imagined that you could have the power, independence and freedom to live life spontaneously. So many of us women have been taught to barely ask for enough, so we resign ourselves to fitting into a masculine way of doing life. If what you desire is a lifestyle that empowers you to be at your most creative, give your best and grow your impact, then you get to decide what that looks like. You may not know exactly how to get what you want – whether it is more clients, more vacation days, more money or more free time – but if you ask for it in an open way, you will be led to create what you desire when the moment is right.”
Perhaps this season of spontaneity is meant to teach me a new way, a more feminine way, of being in the world and interacting with life. Maybe this is necessary, folly and all, to train me for whatever is next over that horizon.
2:30p As I step my way through these days, I am developing a better understanding of just how important certain fundamentals are to my well-being. An elaboration of home court habits:
1. A quiet morning – whether I read or write or just sit thinking over a cup of coffee, having my morning hours to myself is critical.
2. A clutter-free environment – I need things clean and organized. period.
3. Move my body – every day, in some way, in some form.
4. Get outdoors – I need to commune with nature, feel the light, and breathe fresh air.
5. Clean eating – a balanced, vegetable and fruit -based diet keeps my motor running.
Staying sober, getting a good night’s sleep, keeping my promises to myself, clear-minded thinking… all of these contribute to my feeling balanced and progressing in my day and in my life.
The feeling that I have plenty of time helps me focus and complete the more mundane tasks so that I can return to my study.
I picked up a book at a yard sale today – The Soul’s Code: In Search of Character and Calling by James Hillman. I recognized the name, though I don’t think I have actually read any of his books. I am looking forward to cracking into this one and deepening my perspective on the soul.