7:30a From The Soul’s Code by James Hillman:
“But if there is an archetypal sense of loneliness accompanying us from the beginning, then to be alive is also to feel lonely. Loneliness comes and goes apart from the measures we take. It does not depend on being literally alone, for pangs of loneliness can strike in the midst of friends, in bed with a lover, at the microphone before a cheering crowd.”
“When feelings of loneliness are seen as archetypal, they become necessary. They are no longer harbingers of sin, of dread, or of wrong. We accept the strange autonomy of the feeling and free loneliness from the identification with literal isolation. Nor is loneliness mainly unpleasant, once it recovers its archetypal background.”
“When we look – or rather feel – closely into the sense of loneliness, we find it is composed of several elements: nostalgia, sadness, silence, and a yearning imagination for ‘something else’ not here, not now. For these elements and images to show, we first have to focus on them, rather than on remedies for being left literally alone.”
“These conditions of nostalgia, sadness, silence, and a yearning imagination are the stuff of Judy Garland’s songs, her voice and phrasing, her body language, her face and eyes. No wonder her performances reached the common heart as no others did. Nostalgia, sadness, silence, and imaginative yearning are the stuff of religious and romantic poetry the world over.”
10a I am really enjoying The Soul’s Code. So much resonance in terms of the soul’s yearning – rather, the daimon’s yearning – to realize its potential. That the soul/daimon selected its birth parents, time and place, in order to provide the situations necessary to its actualization. To which I exclaim in absolute impatience,
YES! Yes, already!! Now what must I do to discover and fulfill my calling?!!
I feel agitated and frustrated. I want to get high. I want to masterbate. I want to take a hot bath and read some more. I want to do something, anything to either numb myself to this experience or to enlarge it. What is going on with me? In me? Where are these strange feelings coming from? This overwhelming angst…
When and how will I discover my calling? When and how will I step into its promise, its potentiality? I can hardly stand not one more day without its nourishing satisfaction.
I have dismantled my entire life, that I might now discover it somewhere amid the ruins, the destruction all the more pleasant should I find it.
Where will the discovery be made? Within reason and responsibility? or within folly? Why do we believe the gifts to come only in pretty packages? Aren’t my moments of sublime clarity often on the heels of devastation? Might I invite such a storm into my life, if I knew it would uncover the purpose for which my soul torments me night and day? I should think maybe so.
11a I may have a bit of understanding about this compulsion. Indeed, my soul yearns to realize its purpose and to pursue it to its full glory. I have glimpses of it now and again… impressions… feelings. I try to make my way toward these feelings, and toward the life that houses these feelings/impressions, but I don’t know where to find it.
It exists on a plane that is always just beyond my grasp, so close I can almost taste it. But it is ever elusive, and just when I think I may have found a way, it hides itself again, and I wander around for a few more years, until she decides to show her face again. I try to choose her, to find my way to her, to be her, but I always lose my way.
I want this so deeply, and I grasp at it so, that the pain of not having it is an overwhelming chasm in my soul. Often the pain is so great, the pain of the reaching joined to its separation, that it leads me to grab at any activity to serve as its surrogate. An “otherworldly” (as in belonging to that other reality you want, that you think you could create, if you could just be strong enough, smart enough, pretty enough, etc.) experience, however fleeting, as it offers a brief relief from the constantly frustrated efforts. What is it that I am actually reaching for? What is my purpose???
5p From The Soul’s Code:
“The pull of purpose comes with force. You may feel the full force of purpose. But just what it is and how to get there remains undetermined. The telos may even be doubled or tripled and confused about whether to sing or dance, write or paint. Purpose does not usually appear as a clearly framed goal, but more likely as a troubling, unclear urge coupled with a sense of indubitable importance.”
2019: I remember this day. I remember feeling both taunted and validated by the Universe. How I happened upon this book at just the right moment, how it spoke directly to the pain within me, offered an explanation for the why of it, but withheld any answer that would soothe my troubled soul.
I found myself utterly frustrated in the reaching for my purpose, a grasping in the dark, feeling the striving for it to be hopeless and desolate, and yet I was utterly unable to quell the force that was driving me mad with its yearning.