Walking in the spider webs

September 23, 2016 ~ Friday

6a I am enjoying a more regular bedtime these days. I hope it sticks! I am pondering this morning – why am I finally getting to bed at a decent hour?

The main of it is that I am also waking up between 4-5a, giving me a good deal more in morning hours, which I love to luxuriate in. I feel ready to chat with Edward at 8, ready to work out by 9, not feeling imposed upon but ready. Getting to bed means getting up early to make the most of my favorite part of the day.

Also, getting to be earlier minimizes the dysfunctional behaviors I so easily fall into at night – drinking, getting high, snacking, emotional roller coastering. The earlier I get to bed, the less time I have to be entangled in those messes.

But it is becoming more than that. I am actually starting to enjoy the physical sensation of climbing into bed, snuggling down into the covers, holding my magic rock. I catch myself smiling. I know I am doing a good thing for myself, and I feel so very happy about that.

Developing an evening routine is becoming useful and fun as well. Perhaps some social time can be incorporated, yoga/ meditation/ affirmations around 5p, make dinner around 6, maybe a documentary to close out the eve and bed around 9p. šŸ™‚

I feel a stirring in my soul. I long for study, to know wisdom, to immerse myself in this world that is opening to me. To know Native American tradition and spirituality, to know the Tao Te Ching and its revelation of nature, to know astrology and human design and inherent character and behavior, to know the chakra system and power dynamics and energy becoming matter.

My mind is swirling with all that it has been exposed to recently, and I long to dive deeper, to explore further. But I feel scattered, like I need more focus. I don’t want to develop a surface knowledge of a dozen different practices, rather a deep understanding of the common principle from which they all proceed. Modality is merely the path to this understanding, not the destination itself.

And the dilemma of how to support myself remains, looming large over the changing landscape of my life. I need to live, eat, pay my bills, travel, study. How am I to provide for myself with no income? How can I generate an income while pursuing this course of action? How do I create an environment and lifestyle consistent with the yearnings of my soul?

9a Great article on “content” today from Gina DeVee, which led to a great conversation with Edward this morning. How do I follow my heart and still pay the bills. How can I support myself while I study? What is my brand and how do I launch it? Gina says her readers always want more “behind the scenes” content, the stuff of her real life. This resonates with me, but it also feels rather egotistical. Who the heck cares about how I live my life?

But I suppose we are a culture of voyeurs, and we can’t seem to get enough. And people do seem to have a curiosity about my life, and the internet makes it possible for people to follow me no matter where I go.

So just DO IT, Sonya. Become Sonya Louise, the Wise Warrior. Become your brand, the person you have always been, the fearless change agent who dares to live her dreams, no matter how far-fetched they appear to be. I CAN do this.

11:30a Insight came in the mirror. I was thinking about my childhood and how I felt so invisible, that no one really seemed to want to know me. Not the people I really wanted to, I guess. At the same time, I was afraid that others would come to know me and then betray me or misunderstand me altogether – all of which actually happened.

I remember wondering what was so wrong with me, that people didn’t want to know me, as I tried on one personality after the next.

The opposite is true now. I have met some of the most amazing people, and it always comes as a surprise that they would want to know me too.

From A brief guide to world domination by Chris Guillebeau:

“If you want to know who your real friends are, start telling your craziest idea to everyone you meet. some people will slowly back away from you as if you are really crazy, but others will latch on to your idea and help you in any way they can. The people in the second group are your real friends.”

I have a large, growing collage on the wall. It is the birth of my business plan. I tried to organize my ideas the usual way, but I realized that my thoughts were not linear, and they were not yet ready to be distilled into written words. But I needed to get them OUT OF ME, lol. So in a mild, comical “fit” I was like, “Fine! (darting up and pushing the chair aside) I wanted to learn the language of image, right? So use them.”

I decided to post images on the wall in the living room. As my collage grows, I realize my frustration with getting my thoughts out lied in the fact that my thoughts are occurring more web-like in nature, in structure. Linear strategy is no longer sufficient. I need the flexibility – and relatedness – of the web. Here is where I weave my intent.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: