7a I spent yesterday with Susie Brown, helping her finish digging her iris for next week’s party. Edward arrived from Virginia the night before. I had driven in from Spokane to pick him up before getting an early start with Susie.
When I arrived earlier in the evening, Mom and Grant were closing down the tasting rooms. Grant gave Mom a 2012 Red Mountain Mourvedre. Oh my! It started whispering to me. The rest of our lineup was open too, from the day’s tasting. All of that fabulous wine. Woodinville is a tough stay for me now.
By the time I had picked Edward up fromt the airport, I had convinced myself that it was okay to share a glass of wine (Mourvedre!) with Edward and Mom when we got home. It was late – the plane arrived at 9:20p – so that would help ensure I had only one glass, and then I needed to get some sleep for my day with Susie.
Well, one glass turned into three glasses, with a fourth untouched because I passed out. And I blacked out – could not remember a thing beyond my asking for that third glass.
I slept through my alarm and barely made it to Susie’s house on time. I was tired and fuzzy and angry with myself. And disturbed that I blacked out from only three drinks.
I thought about it off and on all day. You would think I would want to jump right back on the straight and narrow. Instead, I was persuading myself that it would be okay for me to drink this “weekend”, just this night and Wednesday night, to “celebrate” with Edward.
Dinner was at 6p, and I headed home at 7. I had convinced myself that this was okay, and that I would abstain again come Thursday. Then Michele [my sister] called me.
#1 – Strange that she was calling me. We had been fighting and not speaking for over a year, and we are just now mending the relationship.
#2 – Even stranger that I would answer. Usually I just let it go to voicemail and call back at my convenience.
But she called, and I answered.
She said God told her to call me and read to me a text that He had her prepare. It said:
“I break all your old chains – on your soul, heart, mind, eyes, ears, tongue. I declare this is a new day for you and have given you a new name. Fear not what you have lost, for after I piece you back together – fiber by fiber and stitch by stitch WITH ME AS YOUR CORE, RUNNING THROUGH YOUR BLOOD AND YOUR MARROW… I will return to you double! BUT DO NOT TAKE YOUR EYES OFF ME! lest you slip and fall and may not find your way back home to ME.”
I felt a recognition. I know God was speaking to me. In the infinite mercy and grace that are only through the Divine, God was reaching out to me and rescuing me. I felt piercing energy three times, I believe it was in my second chakra, at the words “new day/name”, “fear not what you have lost”, and “return to you double”.
I felt almost numb when I hung up. There was no extreme emotion, the kind that would usually accompany such divine intervention. I felt somewhat happy that God saved me from myself. I was sad because I could not deny that this was an intervention, a directive NOT TO DRINK.
God pierced the veil, reached out and touched me in this physical realm, to speak to me and my struggle. In the face of such mercy and majesty, how could I possibly drink? I knew to disregard this message would be very dangerous for me. Not only was my health, and perhaps my very destiny at stake, but my relationship with God was at stake too. I am just hearing from Him again! I have missed His presence so deeply.
In the final estimation, as I made my choice, it was the relationship that mattered most. It was the desire to maintain our relationship that kept me sober.
3p Edward and I were not feeling so great after lunch, so we decided to nap. I had been nearly falling asleep on the couch, so I was confident that my body would welcome the rest. Yet, as soon as we crawled into bed, my heart started racing, as though I were doing something wrong. I piped up to Edward about it, speaking the truth out loud. It’s Wednesday, our date day. It is our day off. I don’t even have a job. I ended well yesterday and began well today (with the exception that we waited too long to eat). There is no reason I should feel this way about taking a nap.
I led myself through a full body relaxation technique, starting with my toes and ending with my internal organs. I drifted off twice, but the drifting jarred me awake. An hour later, I was still unable to sleep. I could not shake the notion that I should be doing something, something other than napping, anything but napping.
As I lied with my eyes open, resting and enjoying being next to Edward, I thought about where I am right now. and the thought occurred to me – maybe God does not want me working right now because I am still defaulting into masculine mode. I am still trying to behave in a way that is dynamic, not magnetic. I still don’t know how to just ALLOW. I still don’t know how to be still and know that He is God.
Maybe I need the next three months without a job to teach me that. That I have value and purpose just because I AM, not because I DO. I am letting this percolate, pondering in my heart.
5p Blog/Facebook post: I am worried about a lot of things – money, my next profession, is this reasonable?, etc. But this is what it is, and I can’t change that. Now, I can choose to go through the next three months concerned and brooding, or I can choose to embrace the magic of the hummingbird, and I can be light-hearted and joyful in this divine experience. The situation will be the same either way, but I will color it with my emotions and the stories I tell myself about it along the way. Which archetypal journey are we taking?