When all of my ambition is stripped away, what remains that has any value at all?

September 29, 2016 ~ Thursday

6a I managed to spend the day sober yesterday! And it was Date Day! It was a struggle all day. The addictive voice had all kinds of rational excuses, and it was tough. But I did it.

So I really did have only one night off the wagon and got right back on, thanks to God.

I have been awake for close to an hour now, and I have nothing to show for it. I feel antsy and angry, and I don’t know why. Suddenly, everything seems so pointless.

I feel terminally bored. After six weeks of soul-searching, of quiet contemplation, I am ready to dive into the next season of my life. But I know the next season is not about what I can achieve. It is more about observation, and deep learning. Who can guide me into this? Ugh, I am so very bored.

12n I don’t know what is wrong with me today. Nothing seems worth doing. I tried reading – two different books, Facebook, internet research – but nothing seems of any interest or import. I thought about visiting a museum, but then thought why? I thought about going for a hike or a walk, but I don’t relish the idea of being cold right now. I thought about ordering the Living by Design system, but I am concerned it will be dumb and that I will feel angry for wasting two hundred bucks.

When all of my ambition is stripped away, what remains that has any value at all?

I am trying not to drink this away. I feel such a great level of discontent, and I just want it to go away. I just want to drink and forget my troubles. But then I will just be sick and tired, so what is the point of that?

I am doing all of the things I thought would be so awesome if I didn’t have a job, and what I am experiencing is disillusionment. Which makes me afraid to make any kind of new commitment at all, because what if every new endeavor just turns out the same? Looking good on the outside, but a total waste of time once you get a closer look.

I have reached a point where I feel like no matter what I do, no matter what I choose, it will be wrong – a waste of my time and a waste of my money and a waste of my life. Today just plain sucks.

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