7a I believe I am entering another dark night of the soul. The ego is attached to many things – ease, comfort, achievement, reputation, acceleration, etc. It wants to pursue another avenue in order to feed itself, to feel worthy. But I can see clearly that all of these things are illusions, and they will never satisfy me.
No, nothing shall ever satisfy me. I will like and struggle and sacrifice, alone and confused, only to die and do it all over again. What a sick joke. There is no heaven. There is no freedom from sin. There is only darkness and seeking.
So how now shall I live? I do not even know the name of my beloved. Is Jesus my savior, or was he just another man? All that remains is the formless substance. The only comfort I can take is in believing that this original substance is good, infinite intelligence and infinite love.
So I guess this three month road trip is figurative of the spiritual journey I am embarking on. Alone, dark, cold, no real goal but to BE, to ALLOW. I assume there is some purpose that awaits me on the other side, but I do not know how deep or how far I must go before I emerge transformed. I do not know how much God will ask of me.
The rest and reward of the last four years is over. It is time to take up my armor once again and prepare for righteous battle. God help me.