6p I have returned to Spokane, and I feel infinitely better here. There is just something about the energy in Woodinville. I have suddenly stopped missing Edward as well. And how strange. I had to fight back the tears and anxiety yesterday. I am all over the place!
Excited about my road trip, but wanting to stay warm and curled up on the couch. I suppose I am just tired.
From Windhorse Woman:
“I remember one time that Agnes had me write down the feelings that I had as a child, the feelings that I grew up with in my home. Then she asked me, ‘How many of these feelings do you re-create in your daily life now that you’re an adult?’ I realized that the life situations were very different. I certainly wasn’t married to a man like my father, but the stress I was under, the relationships that I chose, mostly romantic relationships, all gave me the same kind of stress and difficulty I had as a kid.
“I began to realize the immense importance of giving that up. Agnes had looked at me at that time and said, ‘Lynn, now you know the reason you are on this good mother earth. Now you know why you chose the parents that you chose. You chose them to give you the problems or gifts that you have in this lifetime. They gave you a set of emotional problems that you need to solve and to understand. As a result of that, you will become much closer to being an enlightened woman. When you can live in happiness and joy and peace instead of tension and chaos and pain and terror, when you can choose happiness, the other side of the abyss from where you stood while growing up, you will be an evolved being. You will have done the work you have come into this lifetime to do.'”
What are the emotions I grew up with?, and how do I re-create these emotions in my everyday life?
* pain – physical and emotional pain and abuse
* absence (void) – my father being “gone” and me being vulnerable
* fear and insecurity – never knowing what will happen next
* vulnerability – a lack of protection
* needing to be perfect, wishing I could be perfect in order to avoid the pain and chaos
* rage – rage and anger over the injustice
* nakedness and shame
I choose for myself men who are absent from life, leaving me to fend for myself – physically, emotionally and financially. Abuse in its milder forms has continued, and I allow it (thinking I should just not push buttons).