7:30a Morning Pages ~ Mason City, IA
I should have let her put me in bifocals. I can hardly see close up with my glasses anymore. I have my glasses atop my head right now, just so I can write this, these morning pages.
I had the strangest dream last night. I dreamt that Rob and I were supposed to get married. It had been planned, semi-planned anyway, a date set long in advance. We had arranged the minister, the photographer, the venue, the bridesmaids and gowns.
But we ourselves were vacillating. Should we or shouldn’t we? We were vexed. We could not decide.
We lost track of time, and the date came around. We still had not decided. But we had the venue, so we decided to make use of it. Instead of setting it for a ceremony, we had them put in a huge bed, front and center, with red satin sheets and huge, white pillar candles on either side.
We were in this room, talking, asking ourselves how it came to this. Why could we not decide? The date had come, and still we did not know what to do.
Then his mom showed up, and she had the bridesmaids with her! She asked where they should get ready! She must have remembered the date, even though we had not sent out invitations.
We didn’t know what to do, so we just showed them to the dressing room. They started getting dressed in their gowns, two or three of them, and we thought it was funny.
My mom showed up too. She set up some chairs in rows in front of the big, red satin bed.
Rob and I just thought it was all surreal. I thought, “What do we do now?” Beverages and a plate of snacks were brought in for the wedding party.
Then Alan and Joile showed up. They were the photographers! They started lining up the bridesmaids for photos and suggested I get dressed, so I did. They stood us up on the bed, which I thought would be totally awkward, but actually it came across as classy somehow.
Rob was dressed too, and we had our wedding party photographed. No groomsmen, just the maids and mothers. It felt so silly – how were we going to proceed? Should we proceed?
Then we found out that Alan was our minister! We could move forward with the wedding if we wanted to. Did we want to? Was it too late to call our friends? It was too late, but did we really need friends to get married? Not really, no.
The doors to the room were wide open, and a few people had wandered in to check out all the comotion. It was quite a scene, and no one knew how undecided we were.
We kept trying to talk our way through it. I kept wanting Rob to make the decision. Did he want to marry me or not? He lamented, seeming almost pained by the idea and said, “Why? Why oh why didn’t I ask you?”
I thought to myself, “Well, ask me now. Why don’t you just ask me now?”
By this time the room was slam full of people. Every chair was filled and others were standing. I couldn’t believe we had drawn such a crowd.
We were ready to begin, but Rob still could not make a decision. He seemed to genuinely want me. He seemed to truly want to marry me. But he could not bring himself to decide for us.
I wanted to be the rescue, to save him from himself and make the decision for him. I felt pity for him. And then it hit me.
To choose to marry him would be to accept that I would forever be coming to his rescue. This was the problem that drove us apart, and here I was trying to fix the problem by reinforcing it. Did I really want to live like this for the rest of my life? Did I really want to be the only backbone in this relationship? Did I really want to shoulder every burden because my husband could not? No, I didn’t.
At that moment, Edward came flashing into my mind. Edward! How could I have forgotten about Edward?! We were engaged to be married! How could I be standing here with Rob right now?
I put a stop to the whole ceremony. I ended it that instant. Rob seemed relieved. And he took out his checkbook so we could split the expenses.
What message might this dream have for me? Is Rob really Edward? Am I waiting for Edward to make a decision? Am I fearful of having to be the burden bearer?
What would happen if I never mention the wedding? Would the date just creep up on us, like in my dream? If I said and did nothing, would he take the bull by the horns? Or would we be sitting in the garden on that day with half wishes and half plans, wondering how we got here and how we should proceed?
What I am learning about intuition is that we often know the answer to our questions, but we don’t like the answer, so we keep “searching” for another. I think deep down I know that I am fearful of what being married to Edward would mean for my burdens. But I keep wishing and hoping he has the backbone to man up and make a decision for us. For me.