Walkabout: Day 40, You | Me | We?

November 28, 2016 ~ Monday

7a Morning Pages ~ Myrtle Beach, SC ~ w/Fam

I have not written morning pages in almost one week, since arriving in Myrtle Beach to spend the Thanksgiving holiday with my family. I know that my writing is the most important thing I should be doing right now, but I prioritized my time with my family. I brought my book into the resort unit, thinking I would take time at some point in the day, but I never did. The days were full with action and interactions, and I only see my family once each year.

It has been a weird and wonderful week. I have laughed and I have cried and I have been hurt and I have felt angry and disappointed. I have been forgiven and I have practiced forgiveness. That is what family is, right? That’s all I know it to be.

I am feeling more and more distant from Edward. I don’t know if I should fight for our relationship. He really let me down on Friday night. He allowed two little girls to make a poor decision that left me out in the cold. He did not stand up as the adult in the room. He did not stand up for me.

Nancy did. She made sure those girls knew that what they had done was wrong. It felt really good.

I am forgetting the reasons I fell in love with Edward. Why do I want to stay with him? I am struggling with what to feel right now.

From Your Mythic Journey by Sam Keen & Anne Valley Fox

— Make a list of the ten best words/phrases that describe you:
1. life-long learner
5. adaptive
2. casually classy (classic)
8. loyal
9. beautiful
3. intelligent
6. creative
4. love the outdoors
7. loving
10. giving

— What qualities distinguish me from others?
I am willing to do what is hard. That may mean making a big move, having a difficult conversation, starting all over late in life, trying something new and scary, ending a relationship that isn’t working, putting myself first.

I am open minded and truly balue what I can learn from others. I try not to judge, just observe and apply. I enjoy having a diverse group of ecclectic friend and acquaintances.

I am content having very little in the way of material possessions. I prefer to live simply. But I would never be content without big experiences and adventures. I need to travel and prize my freedom above all else.

I have the ability to set goals and achieve them. I have never abandoned a New Year’s Resolution. I love the challenge of making worthwhile changes in my life.

I am always seeking the deeper meaning – in words, in art, in actions, in life. I want to explore reality and discover hidden truth. What is authenticity and how can we live more like that?

— What are the secrets you never/rarely share?
I resent having a man to take care of me. I am proud of my independence, but I really wish I had a real partner to lean on, and to fall apart into from time to time. I resent that every member of my immediate family has someone taking care of them except me.

I don’t understand. I am an attractive and desirable woman. Why isn’t there some man out there who is willing and able to be my equal? Do I not truly believe I am worth it, deep down? Is that why I keep attracting men who just want / are content to let me take care of them? Or their parents?

That’s what Tony did – just let his parents take pay for everything. What is it that I find attractive in these men? Is it the lack of responsibility? The carefree attitude?

How do I change this? How do I attract a man who is a good Protector, Provider and Problem Solver, but still has a sense of adventure and a lust for life and for love?

Is it possible for Edward to be this man, or has our relationship run its course? Am I just delaying the inevitable?, like I did leaving the winery? I think I know what to do, what my gut tells me is right for me. Why am I not willing to do it? What is holding me back? Am I really that happy with him? Or am I just afraid I won’t be as happy without him? The sex is amazing, but that doesn’t mean it can’t be amazing with someone else too. What do I really want???

I ask myself – at 44 years old (wait – am I only 43?) – do I really want to start all over in the relationship department too? On the other hand, do I really want to invest more years into a relationship that is doomed? Is it doomed? Can Edward be the man I need him to be? I am so very relieved I left rob when I did. He hasn’t changed a bit.

How will I look back at this decision with Edward? Maybe he is capable of change, but just not with me. Do I really want to spend the rest of my life taking care of him? And watching him never complete any project? And not standing up for me?

What are the characteristics of my ideal mate? As I consider this, I am making the same mistake I made when I left Rob. I am only thinking of the opposite of what I find wrong with Edward. The truth is, I don’t think I know what I really want. I just keep discovering what I don’t want.

— What other secrets do I have?

— What ten characteristics do I not have and would strongly deny?
– unthoughtful / inconsiderate
– greedy
– savage / heartless
– stupid
– lazy
– liar
– whore
– irresponsible
– egomaniac
– gold digger

– ordinary

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