Walkabout: Day 41, Mile 7557

November 29, 2016 ~ Tuesday

? o’clock Morning Pages ~ McClellanville, SC ~ Hunt Camp

I really do love Edward. No, he isn’t perfect. No one is. He doesn’t prefer to be perfect, nor does he aspire to be. He is honest, and he takes responsibility for his mistakes. He tries to be a good person, and he tries to improve in areas where he falls short. He is willing to talk openly about the hard stuff. He really listens to me, and he lives to see me smile. He wants more out of his life, and he wants me to enjoy the finer things. He is a diamond in the rough.

I enjoy loving him, when I focus on his better qualities. He lets me be me, and he supports me in all I do. He isn’t jealous, unless he needs to be – and I don’t give him reason to be. He wants to satisfy me physically. He chose me over his children, and he continues to do so when it really matters. At the same time, he is a loving and doting father, and he sacrifices greatly for his kids.

10a I need coffee. I drove to the little town of McClellanville and was surprised to see a sign for a public library. I thought I would go into Charleston today, but I just don’t feel like it. I don’t feel like doing anything responsible or reasonable. So I got a cup of coffee at the BP gas station and drove down the road toward the library.

I found it nestled among large houses and sprawling, draping trees, just like a postcard out of antebellum. The library itself was tiny! Like a little cottage. I did not go in. I knew in a building that small I would have to interact with people, and I really don’t feel like people-ing today.

Instead I found a little shady spot to park. I changed into my Moonstone Crossing tee shirt and rolled the windows down. I wish I could just head back to camp, but the mosquitos are so thick there, I could never sit with the windows down.

The problem is I want to drink, but I can’t since I still have to drive myself back at some point. I am tired and foggy from over drinking last night too. But I also feel like I am nearing a breakthrough.

I have spent the last two weeks with people, and now I am enjoying some much needed solitude. I have been saying and doing all the things a proper guest should, and I am ready to just relax and let loose a little bit.

I think I will just sit right here and read and write until my heart is content. At some point, I will return to camp and bunk down for the night.

Why do I need to drink to unleash my right hemisphere brain? Why do I force myself to be so rigid so often? Why do I have such a hard time relaxing? Why can’t I nap? I am befuddled at myself.

One of the exercises in Your Mythic Journey calls for me to present an argument declaring that I am indeed all of the traits I wish to deny. It’s a curious thought. Why else would I deny them so strongly, except that they are parts of my shadow self that I hate. I do hate my shadow self, don’t I?

I live so hard to prove to myself that I am a good person, that those ugly things I know about myself are not the real me. But they are part of the real me, aren’t they? I just don’t want them to be. I only want to believe the best, idealized version of myself.

Can I accept that I am greedy? I only work because I have to. I would take it all for myself if it weren’t frowned upon. I get angry that others get more than me and don’t even have to work hard for it. Tamara wears the coolest clothes and had like four different jackets on this week, and that made me angry. She always has the best of everything, and it’s all just given to her. It isn’t fair.

Can I accept that I am inconsiderate? I only bend to accommodate people because I want them to like me. I need them to like me, so I won’t have to deal with their anger and petty disagreements. If everything came easily to me, I would be just as unthoughtful as everyone else. My courteous nature makes me better than them.

I love being lazy. If I could get away with it, I would not do a damn thing. I am so damn tired of trying so damn hard. I just want to throw my hands up and stay wasted all of the damn time.

It is actually freeing to understand that I am not a perfect person, that there are very real and very bad things about me. I can stop trying so hard to prove to myself that they do not exist. I can just be, and be okay with the bad belonging to me just as much as the good.

I actually like myself like this, and I don’t feel as angry and hateful. I don’t feel as spiteful. A calming peace is settling over me, so calm and peaceful I think I could nap. I want to live in this peaceful awareness.

12n My next exercise for my Mythic Journey is to draw myself using crayons or colored pencils. The best I can do is blue and black ink. 🙂

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