Walkabout: Day 49, Mile 9117

December 7, 2016 ~ Wednesday

9:30a Morning Pages ~ Columbus, GA w/Melinda

I am sitting in the most cozy sleeping nook right now. Melinda has a bed outside on her back deck. It has a heating pad on it, and it is situated next to a faux fireplace. There is a string of little teal and white lights along the wall behind me. There are drapes covering part of the deck, just to minimize the wind flow. Otherwise, I can see the trees out back, right in front of me.

I told her I was going to have to steal her idea. I have always loved sleeping outside. Back when I lived in Oklahoma, I would sleep out on the front deck. In Virginia, when we lived on Bull Run Mountain, I would sleep outside on the trampoline.

I heard the birds as I stirred this morning. I could feel and breathe in the crisp morning air, but I was plenty warm next to the fireplace. I turned my alarm off at 7a. I thought I layed in bed for another hour, but it was actually 9a when I finally rose! Walked Justice and fed her, and cleaned up the kitchen before turning to my morning pages.

Shared some wine, mimosas and bud with Melinda last night. My head is a little fuzzy, but I feel good otherwise.

I talked last night. I actually talked. I risked being open with my thoughts and feelings. The imbibing helped, of course, but it felt good to just talk. I believe Melinda is a safe place to do that.

At one point, she said that she saw me become a scared little girl, about ten or eleven years old. She told me I needed to parent that little girl. I thought I was done with my inner child work! Is it possible she is pulling strings in there without me being aware of it? Does she need my attention? My help?

I think she probably does. Tears of recognition flowed freely.

So how do I do this work? Do I need to be in therapy? How am I going to afford all of this? I want to go to school. I want to write. I need therapy. What the hey?! I need. I need. I need.

So what would this inner little girl want to tell me? Or what do I need to tell her? That she is very brave, and that we turned out okay because she was so brave. That she did a good job, and that she is good enough – that everything she is and does is good enough.

She needs to know that her thoughts and feelings matter. That her likes and dislikes matter. That I will not betray her by keeping her silenced inside of me anymore. When she voices an opinion within me, I need to acknowledge her and act on her needs. She needs to feel that she is important to me.

She does not want to be indulged, she just wants to be heard and healed. I can start doing that. Instead of ignoring the inner thoughts and promptings I have, I need to bring them to the surface and honor them.

This means keeping myself open to see and hear and feel myself, not to control and manipulate outcomes by arranging my thoughts and feelings in a neat little strategy. I need to get raw and real with myself and with the people who are closest to me. And to do so with kindness and dignity.

I need to decide if I am staying here another night. I had reached out to Susan Tombarello, but I have not heard a reply. There is really no reason to rush to Vero. Looks like I can’t stay with Cameron and Julia anyway. I guess they are worried about the dog hair with the new baby. I guess that makes sense. They are brand new, young parents, and they want to do everything right. It’s cute and sweet. But it does leave me with the dilemma of finding sleeping ideas for the next month.

Rob’s dad, Bob, is in the hospital. They had to remove several feet of his small intestine. I heard he also had a heart attack last night. They didn’t expect him to make it.

Part of me feels I should rush down there, for the family, and to see him. But then I think how silly that feeling of “should” is. I have not been a part of that family in four years, and it was a strained role even in the years before that. What part of me things I have any obligation at all to him or to them?

But I feel a sense of loss anyway, and I would want the family to know that. I doubt it would be seen for what it is, though, as I have been absent all this time.

I am always absent, even when I am present.

I need to figure that out. I want to be a real person in my body.

And I want to believe in Edward. I want to be IN LOVE with him, in a place of shared intimacy, where we are fully our present selves and embracing the other fully and deeply. And to pledge ourselves here for always.

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