Walkabout: Day 50, Another day

December 8, 2016 ~ Thursday

8a Morning Pages ~ Columbus, GA w/Melinda

I stayed in Georgia with Melinda another day. I stayed in my pajamas all day. It was lovely, until about seven.

Melinda was digging out her paints. We were going to paint! I was nervous, and she suggested I hit the bowl to loosen up. I thought that would be a good idea.

But that hit went right to my head. I got woozy and dizzy and a bit nauseous too. Melinda suggested I might lay down for a minute. I agreed, as that is about all I could do. The next moment, it was two hours later.

Now, do I get all down on myself over the choices I made yesterday? I opened a bottle of wine at one-thirty, and I was just finishing it after seven. I sipped slowly and mindfully and watched heart-warming Hallmark movies in my pajamas all day. It felt like Christmas. I felt clean and cozy and happy.

I snacked too much and didn’t move my tush all day long, but we need days like these from time to time, right? But how different might the day have been had I not had all the wine and weed? Would I have opened up to Melinda like I did?

But I also went overboard and missed the paint party we could have had. Was she disappointed?

I’m tired of wondering what my life would be like if I wasn’t drinking. That was supposed to be part of this trip. Like when I went out – stay clean and sober and clear-headed, so you can trust yourself.

I keep making new rules and then breaking them. This is two years I have been working on this resolution. Need it be any longer? Seriously – can’t I give this my honest best effort? I’m so tired of being angry with myself.

Should I be? Or did I need this? Really, Sonya? You were flat drunk one week ago. It took you all Tuesday to recover. You forget and indulge. You don’t need alcohol to cut loose and have a good time. You can bring your authentic self to the party.

I seriously do not understand myself. I feel so happy – elated even – when I can string together several sober days. But that addictive voice starts casting its spells, charming me into believing its lies.

Things are never as promised. And even if they come close, did I really need a substance to take me there?

I think I am amping myself up for another decision. I have made so many of them. What will it take for this one to stick? I do not want to wait until January 1st. I want to start now. I want to spend the holidays sober. I want to know and love myself that way. I want to set the good example. I can do this.

So I keep moving south today? I am kicking myself for missing the painting. That might be the one thing that could keep me here one more day. If I had a second chance to paint.

Otherwise, I need to head to Jacksonville. I have my $20 gift card I earned at REI, and it must be spent in a week. I think I will get some type of mallet and tent stakes. That is my main hiccup these days – trouble staking down the tent.

Julia’s appointment isn’t until 1:30 this afternoon. That is too late to be making travel arrangements. I will need to make a decision earlier today than that. I could enjoy another day of leisure, but I would want to stay sober, and I don’t know how likely that is if I stay here.

I also have no idea what plans Melinda has. She has said I am welcome as long as I’d like, and even invited me to her art show tomorrow.

Why would I go? To be closer to Vero and Grayson, to do my REI shopping, to pay my respects to Papa Bob.

Why would I stay? To have another day/night of creature comfort, to spend more time with Melinda, to devote more time to self-care and attention. The only risk of staying is missing Papa Bob. Or getting intoxicated and not being able to make the baby drive if I needed to.

I also need to dry out my tent, which we did not do yesterday. One more day would allow me to do that. Of course, whatever camp I choose would allow that as well. I wonder if I should also look for deet and mosquito netting?

Today is just beyond the seven week mark. I need to tally my spending and assess my situation. I feel like I blew the $30/day rule last week, but there is only one way to know for sure.

I know I cannot dream of leaving until Melinda is up and about, and that was well after 10a yesterday. I think I have decided I need to stay, if I am still welcome. I need to mind my duties and stay relatively sober – enough to drive if needed. And I need a firm plan in place for my departure tomorrow. I will want to leave early-ish.

3p I realize I have kept the experience of Papa Bob dying at arm’s distance from me. This was a family experience, a family I was no longer a part of. But that is not true.

My first thought was the need to gather Bob’s story for Grayson. This family IS my family. They are my son’s people, my grandson’s people, they are therefore my people. Strange that I could ever see their struggle as separate from me and my experience.

I need to enter into their experience with my family. I need to feel and honor Papa Bob, to visit his spirit with my spirit, to send my love and light, and to feel the loss of him – in so many ways.

We hardly knew him, but oh did we know him. He opened his home to us when we needed a place to go. He was kind and generous and loving and wise. I have been wrong to keep separate. We can never be separated. We share blood now. We always have.

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