Walkabout: Day 52, I wonder if my brand of love is acceptable?

December 10, 2016 ~ Saturday

3p Morning Pages ~ Vero Beach, Florida

Hurting people hurt people. That’s just all there is to it. I woke this morning grateful that I still had an opportunity to see Papa Bob, to enter into the suffering of the family.

Cameron talked with Rob and got info on his room number for me. Rob texted Becky to ask when it would be best for me to come. Becky told him that Bob was fairly unstable and that they were minimizing visitors, and that I should not come.

I was sad that I would not be able to see Papa Bob, but I wanted my family to know that I was here and that I cared. So I went to the hospital anyway.

I did not try to enter his room. I only tried to catch someone’s eye, to let them know that I was here and that I cared. Becky saw me and asked if Rob had not called me. I explained that he did, and why I was there.

She seemed to appreciate it, and I hugged her and asked if there was anything I could do for them. Do you need coffee? Lunch? Do you need me to catch up your laundry? Dishes? No, nothing, she told me.

Okay, well I won’t keep you. I will just go on back to the waiting room and try to catch Kathy on her way in. Kathy had left to shower, and I wanted to acknowledge her personally.

I had no idea that my very presence would be so disturbing. I know they didn’t want me in the ICU room, but it never occured to me that they did not want me around period. That came as a shock, but I don’t guess I should have been surprised. I had forgotten just how aggressive this family could be. I was even asked to leave the waiting room.

I’m licking my wounds and trying not to feel hurt about it. I don’t know why I thought my presence would be a positive thing. Becky accused me of being selfish. She said the only reason I was there was that I was looking for a pat on the back. She told me that “for once in my life” to think about someone other than myself.

When I said I was there because we share blood, she said NO, we don’t. She wanted me gone. Entirely. I was completely unwelcome. I remember now why loving this family was so very difficult.

I wonder if my brand of loving is unacceptable. People don’t accept my love because I am distant. I feel like I make efforts to show that I care, but they are few and far between, and people can’t feel a love like that I guess.

I guess I need to be more active with my love. Do more. Be more present. I can’t keep my distance in love and expect people to be able to know that it is real and deep and genuine.

And I have to stop making excuses for myself. I have to figure out a way to be better at demonstrating my love for people. “Maybe if I didn’t have to work so much, I would have the time and energy to do more.” And that’s true, but it’s also an excuse. In the end, being fired or disappointing a client is one thing, and it is painful. But being shut out of a hospital room is another thing altogether.

The question remains… Could I even jump through enough hoops to be accepted? I guess I have a deep-seated belief that the answer is no. So why try?

I’m in a sitting nook just off the beach. It is cloudy and windy and chilly, so I have retreated from the actual ocean. I can still hear the waves crashing, see them in my mind’s eye, but I’m not out there in the elements.

Yeah, but I should be. What do I care if I get dirty or sandy or what not? I should be out there.

4 Comments on “Walkabout: Day 52, I wonder if my brand of love is acceptable?

  1. You did the right thing by going to the hospital regardless of the situation. Although, they seemed to think it was for your own gain, in your heart you know the real reason and that’s what matters. Sometimes, you can not do right for doing wrong!

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    • Thanks, NattyTravels. πŸ™‚ I really appreciate you saying so. I can also see things from Becky’s point of view. And if I am radically honest with myself, I was feeling many complicated emotions around Papa Bob and the family.

      I had been accused of being too distant so many times, not doing enough to be involved. I was afraid that if I didn’t show, the family would really have fuel for that fire. It would be totally unforgivable, I didn’t want them to have another reason to hate me. Is that a pat on the back? I guess it could be seen that way?

      I was also feel deep sorrow for my family, and I wanted to have the courage to swallow my pride and just be there. Just show up in all of my imperfection, with all of my complicated and competing emotions, and just be present, even if it wasn’t appreciated.

      In the end, whatever decision I made, it was a forever decision. I would forever remember not going, or I would forever remember being insecure and uncertain and uncomfortable – and going anyway.

      I knew that I would have no peace if I did not go. I would have allowed the potential backlash from the family, due to the extreme emotions, to keep me from doing what I knew in my heart to be right. These are my son’s people. These are my grandson’s people. We share blood. And family stands with family, even when times are tough, even when that family doesn’t want to have anything to do with you.

      Back to you, NattyTravels – it feels good to have a witness to the part of me that wanted to be honorable. That day I felt so unseen and misunderstood. Today, three years later, you have offered me some healing. Thank you. ❀

      Liked by 1 person

      • Well…. I did read another blog of yours, where you said you didn’t want to go. I think it was very brave of you to have gone, especially given all the emotions.

        But like you said, it would have been another reason to hold against you. And also it was good for your own inner peace and doing what felt right. It’s just best to keep the peace sometimes eh? You actually sound like a very considerate person who is trying to see their point of view.

        You’re very welcome! I hope things are a little better now. I’m really enjoying reading your blogs!

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      • I find you delightful, NattyTravels! I appreciate your conversation. πŸ™‚

        I have a lot of Gemini energy in my chart, so I suppose that helps me see things from multiple points of view better than most. I also know how easy it is to misunderstand people. Case in point – they misunderstood my purpose for coming to the hospital. If I want to be extended grace and given the benefit of the doubt, I believe I need to grant the same grace and benefit of the doubt to others. Certainly Becky and the family were in a far more extreme emotional state than I was. Could I honestly expect them to be able to see past their own pain and anguish? It was all they could do to stand in the middle of their storm, and they all did the best they could. As did I. And love covers a multitude of sins, eh? In the end, love wins. ❀ It is good to keep the peace – as far as it is up to us to do so. πŸ™‚

        You sound like a lovely person yourself, and I welcome the camaraderie!

        Liked by 1 person

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