3p Morning Pages ~ Vero Beach, Florida
Hurting people hurt people. That’s just all there is to it. I woke this morning grateful that I still had an opportunity to see Papa Bob, to enter into the suffering of the family.
Cameron talked with Rob and got info on his room number for me. Rob texted Becky to ask when it would be best for me to come. Becky told him that Bob was fairly unstable and that they were minimizing visitors, and that I should not come.
I was sad that I would not be able to see Papa Bob, but I wanted my family to know that I was here and that I cared. So I went to the hospital anyway.
I did not try to enter his room. I only tried to catch someone’s eye, to let them know that I was here and that I cared. Becky saw me and asked if Rob had not called me. I explained that he did, and why I was there.
She seemed to appreciate it, and I hugged her and asked if there was anything I could do for them. Do you need coffee? Lunch? Do you need me to catch up your laundry? Dishes? No, nothing, she told me.
Okay, well I won’t keep you. I will just go on back to the waiting room and try to catch Kathy on her way in. Kathy had left to shower, and I wanted to acknowledge her personally.
I had no idea that my very presence would be so disturbing. I know they didn’t want me in the ICU room, but it never occured to me that they did not want me around period. That came as a shock, but I don’t guess I should have been surprised. I had forgotten just how aggressive this family could be. I was even asked to leave the waiting room.
I’m licking my wounds and trying not to feel hurt about it. I don’t know why I thought my presence would be a positive thing. Becky accused me of being selfish. She said the only reason I was there was that I was looking for a pat on the back. She told me that “for once in my life” to think about someone other than myself.
When I said I was there because we share blood, she said NO, we don’t. She wanted me gone. Entirely. I was completely unwelcome. I remember now why loving this family was so very difficult.
I wonder if my brand of loving is unacceptable. People don’t accept my love because I am distant. I feel like I make efforts to show that I care, but they are few and far between, and people can’t feel a love like that I guess.
I guess I need to be more active with my love. Do more. Be more present. I can’t keep my distance in love and expect people to be able to know that it is real and deep and genuine.
And I have to stop making excuses for myself. I have to figure out a way to be better at demonstrating my love for people. “Maybe if I didn’t have to work so much, I would have the time and energy to do more.” And that’s true, but it’s also an excuse. In the end, being fired or disappointing a client is one thing, and it is painful. But being shut out of a hospital room is another thing altogether.
The question remains… Could I even jump through enough hoops to be accepted? I guess I have a deep-seated belief that the answer is no. So why try?
I’m in a sitting nook just off the beach. It is cloudy and windy and chilly, so I have retreated from the actual ocean. I can still hear the waves crashing, see them in my mind’s eye, but I’m not out there in the elements.
Yeah, but I should be. What do I care if I get dirty or sandy or what not? I should be out there.