Walkabout: Day 53, Course correction: I choose healing

December 11, 2016 ~ Sunday

7a Morning Pages ~ Vero Beach, Florida w/Cameron & Julia

I am feeling flabby after my days with Melinda and the indulgences I made with her – and since. I need to get back out and run today, or at least take a long, brisk walk on the beach. I need to get out and move my body. I need to stop the even small indulgences with alcohol.

Alcohol belonged to my adolescent self. Gigi is not a habitual drinker. She loves and cares for her body, and she wants to leave a legacy. Why do I keep making this harder than it is? Just do it already.

I made dinner for the kids last night. It felt good to be back in the kitchen. I didn’t have all of the tools and quality ingredients I usually prefer, but it was nice nonetheless.

And all I made was taco salad. Except! Julia was craving enchiladas, so I used that sauce instead of plain tomato sauce. It was so much better!! I consider this a permanent upgrade.

I still need to tally my finances from week seven and see where I stand. I need to make some decisions for Christmas. I need to take care of my car too. And I need to get the wet tent out before it creates a musty sauna.

I am feeling more sure and stable today. I am feeling more like my best self is emerging.

Who is my best self? Is she the hiker/adventurer I have met over these last seven weeks? Or is that just another version of my dysfunctional avoider?

I want to pick up a new address book, and I want to collect the birthdays of the most important people in my life. I want to be like Tom and Susie, with real, true friends all over the country and world.

How do I connect with people so this type of bond is formed? So they can actually feel my love? So we can genuinely touch each other?

I am tired of being the only one to carry around this deep, abiding love while everyone else is oblivious that I even feel a thing. Their hearts would burst if they knew how much I love them.

My journey has led me to this: There is legitimacy in the gender roles, no matter how outdated they may seem, no matter how the world shuns and grinds them down. We need providers, and we need nurturers and healers.

When I operated in survival mode, I operated as a provider. All of my self-worth hinged on what I could achieve. I did not have time for the luxury of relationship. I had work to do. I abandoned my role as nurturer and healer in favor of being the provider. And I expected everyone else to be able to heal themselves without me.

I don’t want to live like this anymore. I want to have meaningful relationships. I want to nurture and heal the world, the people around me. I want to find and enjoy authentic connections. My death bed achievements may write a good biography, but who would read it if no one cared? Am I the kind of person who is worth getting to know? Then I need to invite people in.

I never again want to be shut out of a hospital with the people on the other side of that door being unable to comprehend or believe that I am there to love and serve.

How will I support myself? How will I create a new home for myself? What do I do about the Mom factor? I have to believe these questions will be answered on my way.

What is my way? I believe the Asheville area is right for me. I believe I need the cool, crisp air in the fall, the snow in the winter, the flowers in the spring. I believe I need to live closer to my families in Florida, Virginia and Alabama. I believe I need to write and that I can somehow support myself as a writer.

I believe I need to collect family stories and to record my family tree and ancestry. I believe I need to be more invested in people, places and nice things, to make friends with my physical body, and to tell the story of my insides with my words.

My way is to live OUT and very present with the world. I need to stop running and avoiding and embrace the sticky, shameful mess.

Why did I use the word shameful? Where did that come from? Shame is toxic. It does not belong on my shoulders – nor anyone else’s. We do not embrace shame. We reject it.

I completely love and accept myself, exactly as I am and exactly where I am.

I have a lot of people to get to know! A whole new family is coming into my life! Welcome, Fletchers!

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