Walkabout: Day 60, A chance to practice forgiveness

December 18, 2016 ~ Sunday

7:15a Morning Pages ~ Blue Cypress Lake, FL

The Universe gave me the opportunity to practice forgiveness yesterday.

I was sure to avoid Wanda, Larry, Kathy, and especially Becky at the funeral service. I assume all of them played a role in keeping me out of the hospital room. In the least, none of them defended me against Becky. I came, I saw, I wept, and then Cameron and I left as the food and fellowship started. That free meal sure looked better than the burrito waiting for me back at camp, but it wouldn’t be right to stay just for the food.

The Celebration of Life was at Rob & Re’s house, but not until 4p. I had a drink with Cameron and Julia (Julia had to resort to bottle and formula for the same reason I did, so now she can enjoy a beverage with us), and I got to feed Grayson and play with him a bit. I ran out to camp to eat and finish drying my tent, and I arrived at Rob’s place shortly after 4:30p.

Adam and Rob were outside smoking, so I sat and chatted with them. Lakota and Becky drove up a few minutes later. My heart sank into my stomach. Ah crap! I didn’t think she was invited. Adam and Rob both voiced their disappointment as well, and that they hoped she was not there to cause any trouble.

As she walked toward the house, I had a choice to make. I was not about to be the one to make a scene at Rob’s house, so in the least I had to be cordial and respectful. But as she approached, I realized that my RAGE had abated, and that I only wanted good for her.

She stood before me and said only, “Are we good?” No apology. I wanted to conjure up anger between us, to keep her at arm’s distance, to punish her for how she treated me, but it just wasn’t there. The real me had already made peace with her.

Damnit. And in the same vein, thank God.

It was awkward, but I was graceful. And now grateful that the issue has been laid to rest as the man who was the catalyst for it has too.

Is catalyst the right word? Does that assign responsibility on Papa Bob’s part? Is he partly responsible?, for not doing more to establish and heal familial relationships?

I have been wondering the same about myself. I have allowed myself to avoid people who hurt me, instead of attempting to bring about healing. Well, I make a few sporadic attempts, but I give up when they are unfruitful. I don’t keep trying.

And why would I? Why would I keep opening myself to that wounding, over and over again? But if I don’t, who will? And who is to blame when the family falls apart? Or in the case with Shirley and the kids, who is to blame when we never come together?Am I not an equal party in the blame, if I have accepted defeat? Deep down inside, I know the truth – that I bear responsibility.

8:30a I have taken a couple of breaks. I needed to feed Justice. I got some advice on fixing the “rainfall” in my tent from a couple of young would-be park rangers. And I moved into my car so I could charge my phone.

Perhaps Edward will have time to call me this morning (he did not last night).

I also need to look up specs on my tent, as suggested from my ranger neighbors. Turns out I can tie out additional rings on my rainfly to keep it more taut. This will help both with the condensation and with more extreme wind conditions, like those I had at Bastendorf Beach.

I am anxious to get on with my day, but I also want to honor my commitment to my morning pages.

I will do some Christmas shopping today! Cameron said I can leave Justice in her kennel at his place while I need to be out. If I can finish the shopping today, I can ship out the packages tomorrow, and all should arrive in time for Christmas.

I need to get Grayson’s Christmas Eve pajamas and the family ornament from Edward and me. I want to get Edward’s pajamas and gift, as well as one for Shirley, Jennifer and Chase. Who else beyond that?

I’d like to do Christmas cards, so I need to be active on Facebook to collect addresses. Let’s check down the list: FL Family – cards only, as I will be able to visit with Drake and Isabella. Pop! I need to order his Cooks Illustrated subscription. AL Family??? Should I send something for Dad and Nancy? The kids? A graduation gift for Taylor? VA Family – something for Noah? Shannen? There are just so many people to consider! AZ Family – card only. MT Family – cards only. Christmas Eve pajamas for Mom. 🙂 List time!

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