7a Morning Pages ~ Blue Cypress Lake, FL
I am fairly recovered from my day of debauchery, from the effects of the alcohol anyway. My face and especially my shoulder will take more time in mending.
I will break camp today and head to Jim Baird’s house. I am grateful for the offer of his guest room, and I think it lovely and divine that I will get to spend the Christmas holiday with him and his wife, Karen.
I almost decided to take the tent down last night, as it was dry. But I couldn’t bear the thought of sleeping in the car in such muggy heat again, like in Charleston, with mosquitoes so bad. I can hardly crack the windows. Sure enough, it rained last night.
The tent held up under the rain far better than under the condensation. There was very little water intrusion, compared to the mornings of fog.
There is a decent breeze blowing, but it is also overcast, so I don’t know how long it will take for the tent to dry. If I need to, I can always collapse it as is and set it back up to dry in Jim’s yard – or even Cameron’s. I have options.
I did not sleep well last night. I crawled into my bag at 9p and drifted off easily. But I was wide awake before 2a and struggled to go back out, for an hour or so. I was up for good at 5:30, and my head was thick and foggy. I feel a general malaise and sadness.
I know I can do better than this. I know I can be better than this. I know I can win this fight for my dreams. I know I can.
I positioned my camp chair just off the water to enjoy the sunrise this morning. But within seconds, the mosquitoes swarmed. I swear it was like they called a meeting on my lap! I retreated to the car. I needed to charge my cell phone anyway.
I will stay in Vero through Christmas, then I will head north to meet Edward in Asheville for New Year’s Eve. He found a deck arrangement on Airbnb, but we haven’t actually made the reservation yet. It’s quite a hike from Brevard, which is where we will be celebrating the 1st.
Another year has flown by. But this year, I can say that I am actually closer to my dreams. I have taken steps. I have taken a leap of faith. I am eagerly going after what I want – to be outdoors and close to nature, to travel, to be a writer, to go to school, to be sober.
I have actually gotten invited to travel to Italy next October. I don’t know that I will, I have already been to Italy after all, but I think it marvelous that Victoria Day thought so highly of me to extend the invitation. I really like her.
I can’t seem to stop scratching at my feet and legs this morning. I know some skeeters followed me in and are continuing to snack on me. I’m taking them down one by one though.
How do I get over being angry at Edward? Can I really marry him like this? He continues to fall through on me in a number of areas. Just when I think I have made up my mind to love him anyway, I have an angry explosion. It isn’t fair. I don’t know what to do about it. I really do think I need to see a therapist, to air, sort through, and analyze my feelings and strange behaviors.
I will take a shower here before I head to Jim’s house. I do not believe I will go for a run. I just want to spend these last few hours thinking, maybe even a little planning. I have some big steps ahead of me.
Plus, I hardly ate again yesterday. I had a bag of salad mix for breakfast, a cheap Wendy’s double stack for lunch, and a half a small bag of “natural” mango jalapeno crackers with an orange for dinner. I can hardly wait to have a real meal again.
Thinking about the reality of living in the woods in Brevard while I look for work and build a new life. I know there are services for the homeless, where I can at least eat a good meal once a day. I wonder what other services might be available to me? Where will I shower? Can I get academic assistance? Where is my “in the meantime” job waiting for me? How often will I actually see Edward?
It’s going to be cold. I believe I am prepared for that. I will start immediately on The Artist’s Way. I will research how to write memoir, and I will start outlining my book. Should I start a blog? What would the topic be? My journey to become a writer? The process I follow in chasing my dream? My aspirations, fears, doubts and elations? Is this valuable material?