Walkabout: Day 66, You are your own shepherd

December 24, 2016 ~ Saturday

6:30a Morning Pages ~ Vero Beach, FL @ Jim Baird’s house

It is Christmas Eve. It sure has not felt like Christmas. Strange. I thought without the duties and responsibilities that usually hand over my head that I would relax more into the Christmas spirit and joy of the season. But I have not. In fact, it was a challenge just getting gifts to my heartstrings, and that felt rushed and like a chore. But all have theirs, and we are ready to celebrate.

The timing of baby Grayson did make things challenging, and camping an hour outside of Vero did not make things any easier. I’m just grateful to have accomplished what I did. I wish I had gotten my Christmas cards together and out, but perhaps we can work back on that tradition next year.

I will be back with the kids today. Cameron has invited to take me out to lunch with Julia. We were going to go to Lin’s Garden, but Julia doesn’t like Asian food. At first I was disappointed, and thinking she probably would hardly eat anyway. But then I remembered being disappointed in the food last time, and the online reviews echo that sentiment.

They have also asked me to watch Grayson after lunch, so they can finish Christmas shopping. I have mixed feelings about this. I am happy to help, and I want to spend as much time with Grayson as I can. But I feel a bit used as well. I don’t think that is really the case. I think they are just two young parents who are overwhelmed at how to juggle the new responsibility, and I have told them I am here to help.

I couldn’t sleep after Cameron called last night, so I did a little more research on Vulture. The vultures at camp were not turkey vultures, as turkey vultures have red heads. The ones at my camp had black heads.

Vultures never kill, and they do not eat their own kind, as in other dead birds. I am fascinated at these ugly/majestic creatures.

I opened myself to whatever message Vulture wanted to bring me. I reminded myself that I will not progress by intellectually trying to figure it out / understand it. Instead, I need to just hold the idea in my mind, and wait for the answer to come.

I had another dream about Edward cheating on me last night. The girl’s name was Jennifer. The emotions I felt were crazy vivid – so much rage! I wanted to hurt him, and I tried. But in the dream, I was weak in my striking, like the force was not with me to harm him, even though I felt murderous and fully justified. Where is this coming from???

Made my way into the kitchen to share a cup of coffee with Jim. It feels right that I do so, as he has put me up, and I retire too early for conversation in the evening. I did have a chance to visit with Karen last night, and to meet the grandkids Trevor, Paisley, and Maddox.

8:15a Jim struck up a conversation about my walkabout, and we have been visiting since.

Any time I rationally outline my relationship with Edward, it seems the only logical choice is to leave him. And yet, deep in my heart, I do not want to accept that. I want to have my fantasy be real.

I have been invited to Christmas Eve dinner here with Jim and his family – steaks! I am honored and excited. I will definitely need to get back to working out when I leave Vero on Monday.

I also need to ask about doing laundry tonight. I’m sure Jim will be fine with it, I just need to ask. He is a good man, and I have always appreciated him.

My cousin, Dan, gave me some words of wisdom: “Any path that appears to have been set before you is merely the footprints of those who have already been. There is no future. There is no tomorrow. There is no path… There is only the here and now and the decisions you make and choices you take. You are your own shepherd, and you are responsible for ONLY what you say and do.

“Any who flock or follow do so of their own accord and should be counted as nothing more than companions on the journey. They are on a journey of their own, and every one of them have their own choices and decisions to make. And make no mistake… Everyone has an agenda… And most will, to some degree, try and influence or sway your own decisions to suit them.”

Wos. From the guy that is supposedly f’d up in the head and in life. Reminds me of Glenna in Love Warrior, and her perspective of being a canary, recognizing the toxic reality of what everyone else thinks is everyday living.

I need to dig out a change of clothes and get myself cleaned up. It is Christmas Eve!, and I can choose how to feel about this day and my companions. 🙂

One Comment on “Walkabout: Day 66, You are your own shepherd

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