The beginning of a new beginning

December 28, 2016 ~ Wednesday

7:45a Morning Pages ~ Appalachian Coffee Co., Brevard, NC

I had a “late” start this morning. I was up talking with Edward until well after midnight, and I slept until about 6:30a. I don’t feel half bad either. I did not over-drink last night, but I still expected the late hour to bother me. I feel only the soreness that accompanies me these days due to my fall, and the typical fuzzy head that is with me before my proper coffee infusion.

The conversation with Edward was difficult, and I could hear him become strained by it. I am trying to start “telling the story of my insides with my words”. I fail a lot, but I want to keep trying. I want to honor the woman /girl inside and let her know that what she has to give and say is valued.

I am hurt that Edward did not want more time with me. We have had zero private time since the middle of October, and we don’t know when we will see each other again. I thought he would be more anxious to be with me.

I told him – There was a time when you couldn’t wait to take my call. You couldn’t wait to see me. You would move heaven and earth to spend just a few more hours with me. You would choose to miss your flight so that we could have dinner together.

Now, you choose dog-sitting for your mother over getting on the road to see me quickly. And you aren’t flying back until the 7th, but you won’t be spending any extra time with me. It hurts to know that the anxious desire to be with me has left you.

Is this the beginning of the end, or the beginning of a new beginning? I know my feelings are shifting. I don’t need him to try to “win” me anymore. I am accepting responsibility for our relationship health and letting him in. And it feels like now he is pulling away.

Maybe it really is not possible to have passion forever. Maybe the passion stage always fades. If so, I will never find what I am yearning for by running from one man to another. The beginning may be sweet, but it will always fade.

Maybe my challenge now is to find value in the other stages. How will I live if he is no longer crazy about me? How can I take that?

He says he feels like nothing he does is ever good enough. He is trying to please everyone and ends up pleasing no one. I can see why he would feel that way. And I feel badly for him. But I won’t stand back and allow myself to get the short end of the stick by being the only person not demanding my fair share of his attention.

Look at me, all twisted up over my man, when I have so many other pressing life issues to work out. But we have this holiday coming up, and we get to spend it together. I want to be in the right frame of mind to make the most of this time. I don’t know if or when the next opportunity might grace us.

So what are my goals for this visit? I don’t want him to have to apologize for anything. I want him to be warm, comfortable, and well fed. And I want to show him where the next chapter of our lives is written. I hope he will love it as much as I do.

What are my own goals for 2017?

My resolution remains to change my relationship with alcohol. This is the third year of this resolution, and I get better each time around. This year is my year. The dream me is not a drinker.

1:30p Edward called, so I delayed completion of my morning pages until now. After we talked, I got down to business. I made the appointments for my tires and oil change. I went to the library. I need residency to get a card, but I don’t need a card to access services besides checking out books. I renewed my tabs and will have Mom pick them up and send them to me.I balanced my bank account and budget, and I know just how long I have to float.

I found and accessed outreach services, so I took a free shower – which felt great! And I had a free hot meal, which was good too. Having these at my disposal will help me stretch my resources even further. Now, if I can stop buying alcohol, I can really make some headway. Ironic that I know how to be “homeless” because I used to care for them.

I am so proud of myself! I am actually doing this. I am changing my life and chasing my dreams. I am no longer “on vacation”, so to speak. Walkabout is complete. Time to get down and dirty with establishing my new lifestyle.

I wish I were hiking today. It is an absolutely beautiful day. Sunny and 46*. Feels more like 60*. But I need to focus on making the rest of my life work right now. I have five days of play coming with my Edward tomorrow! 🙂

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