If I were alive, optimistic and happy

June 29, 2016 ~ Wednesday

7:28p I have been diving into more reading on the power of our thoughts, words and actions. I have been feeling bulldozed by everything happening lately, and I have been mentally fighting it. What would I do right now if I were feeling alive, optimistic and happy? Let’s do that!

10p That’s three times in two days that I was able to pull myself out of a defeated, exhausted mindset in order to accomplish something that was important and would ultimately feel good – even if, at the time, it was the last thing I felt like I wanted to do. Go ME!

It is tough to stay mentally positive when so much is coming at you. I figure it’s like any muscle. I was so strong in this area when I was running The Source. I fell into atrophy since, but I can get it back – and in a more balanced way.

I am surprised to discover that I want to feel more settled – right now anyway. I was excited at the idea of being in Spokane for a solid month, only to discover that I have to take three separate trips into Walla Walla. Short trips, but they eat up my time nonetheless. August is wine and cheese shipments. I really want to slow down. I need to train up my next generation. In faith, not fear!!!

Lion has come into my life

June 25, 2016 ~ Saturday

2:56a This is what I believe – Lion has come into my life with great power and authority. The old is passing away. Behold, all things are made new. Lion represents the rise of the feminine, the power of attraction, the unlocking of mental prowess, fearlessness, unusual strength and stamina, speaking one’s truth.

This is what I am learning – The divine lives in me and through me. The desires of my heart are the desires of the divine seeking expression through me. I need only to form a clear mental picture of what I want and receive it into my life with thanksgiving.

This is what I desire – Ownership of Patit Creek Cellars in a healthy state, having been structured in such a way that we meet our obligations, provide for our families, and support our community. I want conviviality – to share good wine, cheese and meals with good people. I want a home and a schedule that provides both stability and variety.

I need more clarity!

I want to be married to Edward on August 16, 2017 at Belle Gardens with one hundred of our closest friends, and I want to pay cash for it. I want a popcorn bar and a signature dessert, a beautiful gown and a one-of-a-kind ring. I want to stop loving what hurts me.

I want to honeymoon in Ireland, hike and explore the countryside.

I want a mani-pedi every month, someone to wax my legs, shape my brows and style my hair – and clean my house.

I want to eat luxurious foods and wear fine clothes and be surrounded by beautiful art.

I want to work up dream boards for the things I want most, that I may develop a clear mental picture of the things I desire.

The six steps to acquiring money

June 17, 2016 ~ Friday

6:53a The six steps to acquiring money:

1. Fix in your mind the exact amount of money you require.
$31K by 8/15, $71K by 10/15, $44K by 12/15
Rent and staff paid on time, beginning immediately

2. Determine exactly what you intend to give in return for the money you desire.
I will sell wine and cheese related products and services in exchange for the money I require.

3. Establish a definite date when you intend to possess the money you desire.
$31K by 8/15, $71K by 10/15, $44K by 12/15
Rent and staff paid on time, beginning immediately.
$60K bank note by ?

4. Create a definite plan. “I believe this money is coming to me. My faith is so strong that I can see it and touch it. I am awaiting a plan by which to accumulate this money, and I will ACT on that plan when it is received.”

5. Write out a clear, concise statement of the above.
I intend to structure our company in such a way as to fulfill our obligations, provide for our families, and support our community. I have need of money to do the following: $31K to pay Gingko Forest by 8/15, $71K to pay Frenchtown by 10/15, $44K to pay Pepperbridge by 12/15, $60K to pay Banner Bank by 12/31, $1M to launch construction on our new winery by 12/31. I need rent and staff paid on time, starting immediately. I need positive cash flow to meet our monthly obligations along the way. I need the new winery operational by harvest 2017. I believe this money is coming to me. In return, I will sell the highest quality wine and cheese related products and services. I believe this money is coming to me. My faith is so strong that I can see it and touch it. It is now in my possession. I am awaiting a plan by which to accumulate this money, and I will act on that plan when it arrives.

~ From Think and Grow Rich by Napoleon Hill

As you may have guessed, we were in dire financial straits. I believed I had come into the teachings of Napoleon Hill and Wallace D. Wattles to learn the key principles that would save us.

How to accumulate money

June 16, 2016 ~ Thursday

8a 1. Go into a quiet place where you will not be disturbed or interrupted. Close your eyes and repeat aloud (so you can hear your own words) the written statement of the amount of money you intend to accumulate, the time limit for its accumulation, and the product or service you intend to give in exchange for the money.

2. As you do this, see yourself already in possession of the money. Say, “I am awaiting a plan. I believe this money is coming to me. My faith is so strong that I can see it and touch it. I am awaiting a plan by which to accumulate this money, and I will follow that plan when it is received.

3. Repeat this program night and morning until you can see clearly in your imagination they money you intend to accumulate.

4. Place a copy of your written statement where you can see it, night and morning, until it has been memorized.

~From Think and Grow Rich by Napoleon Hill

“There is a thinking stuff…”

June 9, 2016 ~ Thursday

10:27a “There is a thinking stuff from which all things are made and which, in its original state, permeates, penetrates and fills all the interspaces of the universe. A thought held in this substance produces the thing that is imaged by the thought. Man can form things in his thought, and by impressing his thought upon formless substance, can cause the thing he thinks about to be created. In order to do this, man must pass from the competitive to the creative mind. He must form a clear mental picture of the thing he wants, and do – with faith and purpose – all that can be done each day, doing each separate thing in an efficient manner.” ~The Science of Getting Rich by Wallace D. Wattles

I am loving this book! I don’t have to feel bad or guilty about the things which I desire. It’s okay for me to want money and to have money – for all good purposes. I will become wealthy, and it is my Father’s good pleasure to grant me the desires of my heart. Instead of trying to figure out what I should want, I can just express my desires and call them to me naturally. There is nothing noble in sacrificing my true desires in favor of some charitable notion.

So, what do I really want? Specifically.

– I want the winery to be wildly successful, with an amazing cheese program and local foods pairing

– I want a home for Edward and me, with room for family, guests and entertaining

– I want art. A LOT of art. And only good, original art.

First appearance of the logarithmic spiral

May 29, 2016 ~ Sunday

7:06a I had a strange dream last night. I dreamt that Chris Brown invited me to participate in an art show at a large downtown library. I was to help hang the show, then free to enjoy it and the library. I don’t remember doing much actual hanging.

Next thing I remember, I wander into the “ocular room”, where all of the art is devoted to the geometric spiral. I am mesmerized by this room, and I pull out my notebook and plant myself on the floor for a while, to stay and study.

At some point, Chris Brown comes in and sees me there. He seems happy that I am fascinated, and in his usual playful attitude begins to mimic this dance with me, the one performed by the couple on the video Close.

Cause space is just a word made up by someone who’s afraid to get too… close. Close.

It is playful and intense at the same time, sensual but not at all sexual. His eyes are fun and penetrating too at times. We laugh, and he moves on.

The next thing I remember, I am bleeding menstrual blood, heavily. I am trying to stop it, but I can’t. I get up to find a restroom, and it’s like the dam breaks. I am leaving a trail of blood as I go, a fairly substantial one.

I go into a hallway and up a set of stairs. There is already a trail of blood here, much like the one I am leaving. I feel almost relieved that I am not the only one, though it feels weird to see so much blood at the same time.

I reach the bathroom door, push it open, and find two beautiful asian women, bloody and dead, sprawled into the bathroom. “Well I am not using this bathroom”, I think to myself, with only a hint of a danger feeling.

I return the way I came, seeing a lot of blood again along the way. I reach the bathroom on the next lower level. When I push the door open, there are several beautiful asian women gathered there, looking confused. They have been cut in different places – legs, arms, backs, buttocks. They are touching the gashes, trying to understand them, and to stop the bleeding. Now I sense danger.

I have consented to this training

May 28, 2016 ~ Saturday

8:04a For all my starts and stops and hiccups and outright stubbornness, this will be the one that sticks. How do I know this? I don’t know. I just know.

I thought I was being reborn that day in Summer’s garden. Silly me, it was the beginning of the rebirth process – called death. I even started my period, which I recognized as significant, but I still thought it meant birth. I thought I was being set free. I was, but not in the way I thought. Often we must tear down before we can rebuild.

Truth cannot always comfort us. Sometimes it must cut us to the bone, the marrow even, before it can set us free.

“No discipline is enjoyable while it is happening. It is painful! But afterward there will be a peaceful harvest of right living for those who are trained in this way.” ~Hebrews 12:11

I was entering death there. Death of the old, that the new may be reborn. It feels like so many blows coming at me all at once. Just when I think I can’t take any more, there comes another.

But I know this builds fortitude of character, and there is a promise waiting on the other side. Not only have I consented to this training, I have begged for it. The dream me is not a drinker. I will do whatever it takes to be free.

It was another night of restless sleep. Fear tried to grip me again. I fought it for hours as the white-hot ball of liquid anxiety pulsed at my core. We were in bed shortly after 11p, but it was closer to 3a before I actually slept. Then I drifted in and out, mostly in, until the alarm at seven. I have had only one good night of sleep since Sarah quit, eleven days ago.