11:11a There was no journal entry for today, 2016. When this has happened before, I have moved backward in time and posted the most previous entry. Today, I choose to post from present day.
I have been posting an entry a day (ish) since August 15, the three-year anniversary of my Un-birthday. I had no idea how the decision to publish my private journals, day by day, would impact me. Already, I am deeply moved by this project and motivated to continue with integrity – and with gratitude to the impulse which inspired it.
This practice is as much for me as it is for you – whoever you may be. As I read and re-record each entry here, I am reminded of what I went through there. I am reminded of the unquenchable urges that tormented me, and I am reminded of the perpetual yearning that beckoned me. It was both that led me out into the wilderness – and kept me out there for two years.
Reintegrating with society has been difficult. I am not the same.
And yet I find myself facing the same challenges I did back then, challenges I recorded in the pages of my private journals.
How do I be the ME I really want to be, all of the time? How can I remain free from the control of alcoholic drinking? Is it possible to love another and still remain true to myself? How do I find and walk in my purpose? Can I support myself by doing what I am most passionate about? How do I make my dreams a reality? How can I strengthen my faith and my trust in the unseen? How can I be more effective in my “prayer life”?
I put that last one in quotes, for I want to avoid any misunderstanding of my personal principle of prayer. Prayer for me is simply talking to Spirit, to God/Source/Universe, and coming into congruence with All That Is. Prayer is dialogue, where I seek wisdom and understanding in order to live in, walk out, and speak to Truth.
The practice of reading my old journal entries is helping me remember (as in re-member) and anchor in all I have learned, that my struggles may not have been in vain, that I may indeed accomplish what I set out to do.
It also serves as a reminder of what the logarithmic spiral has taught me – the cyclical nature of life. It is a reminder of how far I have actually come, even when it feels I am merely circling the mountain once again. The logarithmic spiral turns back on itself in increasing geometric progression, so that each loop spreads itself further from its origin, exponentially.
This practice is also my personal acknowledgement of the power of the light. Every day that I choose to publish my private journal pages – real, raw and unedited – I win a battle with the darkness. Not that darkness is to be defeated, mind you. My months of shadow work has taught me better. Instead of trying to defeat the darkness, I choose to befriend my shadow, embrace its presence within myself, validate and celebrate it, and bring it into the light – where it can be integrated into the Love that dwells there. In that space, we can then embody a mastery where there is no defeat.
For I, like many of us, used to put more faith in the dark for acceptance and approval. I hid the more unsavory pieces of myself, believing this was necessary and appropriate. This is not an act of love but of fear. And fear is not my master.
I believe it is a time to embrace and speak the whole truth. I still stumble daily, but this practice is helping me to anchor in this intention. Every day I get to make a choice – to let the outside in and let my insides out, to speak my truth as best as I understand it, to no longer hide, and to know and wield the power therein.
This is my gift to mySelf, and it is my gift to the world. It is my reasonable service to Spirit. This is my holy act of radical authenticity.
6a I decided to keep my gloves on whilst writing this morning, lol. I also have the picnic blanket wrapped around my shoulders. Believe it or not, it helps! I still have a chill, but not near the morning cold I have struggled with all week.
What would you do if you played a game you knew you could not lose? I believe a dream I had last night taught me just that.
Only it was a movie, and I was one of the action heroes. As the opening scene played out, I recognized the movie. It was a great movie! Lots of action, lots of plot twists, and some close calls. But I knew the ending, and it was a superb one. Of course, the good guys win, and gloriously at that.
I was just tickled to take the driver’s seat in scene two. I twisted the wheel back and forth, almost delirious with anticipation. This was going to be amazing!! As my co-stars loaded into the car I asked, “So everyone has seen this, right?”
On waking and remembering such a strange dream, I inquired as to its meaning.
It is life. I have a sacred contract that I helped choose, and I know all-ish that is going to happen and how it is going to end. I have “seen this movie before”. So I have an advantage over fear – I know that I win! So why not take the wheel with excitement, strap in, and enjoy the ride of my life?!!
7a I have woken up to another wonderful day on the mountain. I love being out here, and – I will say it again – I love who I am when I am out here. I feel sure and strong and safe (from my lower self) and so very alive and full of grace. This is who I want to be. This is who I really AM. How can I be this me always?
I know, first and foremost – no drinking. Second, I need to stop compromising who I am and what makes me happy for the sake of other people. That means reading when I need to read (which is, like, always), writing when I need to write, eating what I need to eat, sleeping when I need to sleep, being alone when I need to be alone, etc.
It’s only 50* in the car. I am so glad that I did not pitch my tent and attempt an outdoor camp in this weather. Maybe I will be able to tolerate it one day, but today is not that day. I am still such a cold weather wimp!
1p From Anatomy of the Spirit, the second chakra:
“The wisest relationship we can have with money is to see it as a substance that faith can attract into our lives. Putting faith before money reduces money from its status as a leader to that of servant, its more appropriate position. Faith that transcends money frees a person to follow his or her intuitive guidance without giving over unnecessary authority to financial concerns. Obviously, so long as we are part of the physical world, we must honor its codes of debt and payment and assume a commonsense relationship to money, but money deserves no more of our attention than that.”
“Agree with yourself to make yourself whole and balanced.”
“Each of us as an individual needs to explore our relationship to physical power. We need to learn how and when we are controlled by external power and, if so, the type of power to which we are most vulnerable.”
“For all of us, the challenge is not to become ‘power celibate’ but to achieve sufficient internal strength to interact comfortably with physical power without negotiating away our spirits.”
8p I performed a Driftwood Ritual in the fire pit tonight. It was intended to be a ritual that signified the end of my “drifting” [from Outwitting the Devil by Napoleon Hill], and specifically in regards to my relationship with alcohol. As I completed the ritual, I started to say a prayer, but I realized it was a prayer of desperation, fear of failure, a begging God to save me, and not a prayer of faith at all.
How do I strengthen my faith, that I might pray effectively?
6a I woke from a dream this morning that was about Patit Creek Cellars going under, and everyone knew we were in trouble, and all the staff were suddenly trying to figure out ways to help – only this dream included players from The Source too, most notably Julie Kosharek and Phil VanVynckt. I believe it was Phil and his wife who bought Patit Creek Cellars for $1.4 million dollars.
My thoughts on waking? This is a pattern for me. I go to work for companies that are struggling. The last two companies I worked for without pay many times. Why? Is this a negative belief that I need to overcome, or is this part of my contract?
My next thought was to the packaging on the new necklace I bought, the closest thing to a floating diamond I have ever found. The lines on the package read:
Renew your light
Manifest your dreams
Realize your worth
It was that last sentence that came to mind. Realize your worth. Is this the lesson I am to learn?
I recall another time with Tamara. We were at the Outer Banks, sitting together in the hot tub. I don’t remember what we were talking about, but she said something outrageous!, and I said, “How could you do that?!”
And she said, “Cause I’m worth it!”
The look in her eyes, the flip of her hair, and the turn of her shoulder toward me told me that she believed it, emphatically. that moment has stuck with me.
Is that the lesson? Realize my worth? I feel like I do realize my worth. I just don’t demand or seek what I am worth. I tell myself that this is a way to be of service – to provide what I can do at a fraction of the cost. but is this just something my mind tells me in order to twist the truth? Is there something deeper here I need to deal with?
Is there a power issue at work here? Is this one more destructive way that makes me feel powerful but actually depletes me? Sucks me dry?
I hear about people like Chris Brown, telling his employer what his salary and benefit demands are, and that if they are not satisfied that he has two other offers. And I think, how arrogant and selfish! I certainly don’t want to be like that. But I also don’t want to sit in another room watching my replacement being awarded a salary twice what I was making. They thought he was worth it.
Is there a way to expect what I am worth and still be considerate of others and be of service to those in need? I think Marshall and Jessica modeled that for me.
Is this the Victim archetype at work again here? My work is strongly tied to my highest potential, and I feel quite like the victim sometimes. The Victim is the Guardian of Self-Esteem, or self-worth. I think I am on to something here. And I think I need to empower my Victim. I need to let her gain power through personal protection as opposed to martyrdom. Sacrificing oneself is only a false sense of power. In the end, I lose it all. My health, my mental and emotional well-being, my financial security, my future opportunities.
What would happen if I stopped playing the Victim when it comes to my highest potential? What if I allowed the Victim to feel her worth, to stand up for herself, to protect our self-esteem and personhood? Perhaps we really could shine – and manifest our dreams.
Stop offering your neck to people!
8a Back to reading Anatomy of the Spirit. I move on to Part II, The Chakras. I have skipped ahead to the fifth chakra, as that is where my primary challenge lies (as I currently understand myself).
*Primary strengths of the fifth chakra: faith, self-knowledge and personal authority; the capacity to make decisions knowing that no matter what decisions we make, *we can keep our word to ourselves* and others.
I need to make this decision to quit drinking, and I need to know that I can trust myself, that I will follow through, that I will keep my word.
10a From Anatomy of the Spirit:
“The essence of the fifth chakra is faith. Having faith in someone commits a part of our energy to that person; having faith in an idea commits a part of our energy to that idea; having faith in a fear commits a part of our energy to that fear. As a result of our energy commitments, we – our minds, hearts and lives – become woven into their consequences. Our faith and our power of choice are, in fact, the power of creation itself. We are the vessels through which energy becomes matter in this life.”
“The universal human journey is one of becoming conscious of our power and how to use that power. Becoming conscious of the responsibility inherent in the power of choice represents the core of this journey.”
8a I began my visualizations in the usual way this morning. “I know that I have the ability to achieve the object of my definite purpose in life…” [Napoleon Hill] I trailed off… What is my definite purpose? I have no definite purpose now.
Yes, you do. You are a researcher and a writer.
What am I researching? Where is my original idea? What do I do in the meantime? Is it related or not? How will I support myself?
I realize (again) that I really do not believe that I can support myself as a writer. Why? I have accomplished every other purpose I set my mind to, whether I had experience, training, knowledge or not. What makes being a writer so damn difficult for me? What am I so afraid of?
Why don’t I just declare it and be done with it? Just draw a line in the sand. I am not going back to that old way of living. I want to be a writer. I AM A WRITER. I will lead the writer’s lifestyle.
Now I just need a worthy project. Something I can throw myself into and produce a work of true value. And I need to know how to generate income.
There. Done. That was easy.
Labor Day was the close of my old labors, my old life, my old self. The new me does not drink. She protects her dreams and her person, and she speaks her truth.
I desire to know the language of symbols and the power of intuition.
This camp is unlike my previous two outings. There is no resupply nearby, and the journey in was so slow and difficult that I would have to be highly motivated to make any excursion. I wish now that I had filled my gallon jug completely. I thought about it no less than three times, but my research said there was a water source here, so I opted for a quick exit rather than a fully prepared one. Now I am surveying my goods and thinking through “rations” for myself and Justice.
All is well though. I feel less inclined to exploration and more to read, write and ruminate.
I do have cell service here, just no internet. Edward will be calling soon-ish to say good morning. The day is still cool, damp and overcast. I hope at some point the clouds will break and allow me some leisure time outside. I especially want to spend time down by the water.
I woke three times last night to the soft pattering of rain of the roof of my car, and I hear it again now. Just delightful, I must admit. Peaceful, serene, lulling. Makes me want to take a deep, refreshing breath. I get the idea that I am being washed with many waters. Cleansing away the old habits, mindsets, beliefs, fears…
I will take all the time I need to allow this process. I will give myself the time and space I need to become.
10a I just took some time to re-read this journal supplement. I re-read the excerpt from Thomas Moore, about being the container of developments rather than the actor. I look up and around me. I see symbol. This car is my womb. I have all I need to sustain life here. I am being nurtured in a highly protected space for this growth and change period. I need to let go of all of my striving and just be, and just become.
11:30a Had a bite for breakfast and a bathroom break. The camp host made his rounds and greeted me kindly. He says the weather should start clearing up later this afternoon and be in the upper 70s by the weekend. Perhaps I won’t have to stay in the car this entire trip, although I have enjoyed it so far today.
I am re-reading Sacred Contracts, more slowly this time – not like a ravenous beast but as a contemplative woman.
*A Sacred Contract commits me to developing my inner consciousness and my understanding of how to work with forces greater than my own personal will.
3p I feel like I eat like a champ on these outings, and I am so very grateful for the pleasure of such wonderful food. I just read of a woman living in Jerusalem who wrote of the “dates hanging from the trees like gold”. It occurred to me that I had not yet eaten lunch, and indeed I had dates! and Cambozola!! I just ate dates and Cambozola lakeside, like a goddess. 🙂
From Sacred Contracts:
I am encouraged from my reading to pause and reflect on any promptings, coincidences or intuitions over my life that may reveal elements of my own sacred contract. As the sun is lowing and the chill is encroaching, I think I will do so as I try to make fire! lol
I will say first that writing, in particular the feeling that I need to journal and to write letters, has always been prevalent, as has the idea to write a book – of what sort, I don’t know – other than my own story.
The second inclination that never abates is Paris. Ahhhh, Paris. How oft have I longed to see you.
8p I have always been fascinated by the spiritual, having dabbled in this and that, like automatic writing and tea leaf reading, and having a more serious and productive fascination with astrology, reaching a similar point with animal symbology before my adult “conversion” to Christianity led me away from it all. (I believed it was forbidden.)
I has specifically been fascinated by the supernatural experiences and more specifically by the healing arts. I watched Jesus heal a man once, adored the writings of Sam Wigglesworth and Kathryn Kuhlman, and there were times when I visited a sick person that I truly believed if I prayed for them, served them communion, or laid hands on them, they would be healed. They never were, to my knowledge.
7a I woke with a nervous feeling in the pit of my stomach, and I thought I had not prepared enough for my journey to Yellowstone today. It was only 3:30a, and so I tried to put the nonsense out of my mind, to get a little more sleep before the nine hour drive. But I could not overcome the feeling, and I reasoned that I could use the extra time to research the Grand Tetons, and that packing the car would be less of a rush as well.
It was the NPS [National Parks Service] Teton site that informed me of the camp closure at Grassy Lake due to fire, and that the area was on eval alert. Turns out there are active fires in both the Grand Teton and Yellowstone Parks. I attempted to re-plan my camp site and approach from another direction, but fires prevented any ideal situation from taking shape.
So at 4a I was back to the drawing board. I AM camping this week, but where should I go now? My first considerations attempted to rival Mount Rainier in majesty and strenuous effort. I looked at Olympia and the Cascades. I thought perhaps I could squeeze in a visit to Edward before he goes back to VA.
Instead, I chose a site near Sandpointe, right on Lake Pend Orielle. The weather forecast is favorable, and I should be able to score a waterfront site as it is mid-week and after labor day. There is plenty of hiking around Coeur d’Alene National Forest too.
Surprisingly, I am not disappointed that my plans for Yellowstone were thwarted, and I am very grateful to have been made aware of the fire situation before I drove all day to get there.
What matters most on this trip is the solitude and the resolution regarding alcohol. This is the critical junction for my next spiritual season. I need to spend this time alone, to strengthen my spirit and my soul, reflect deeply on my sources of power, and hopefully receive inspiration for my next steps. And I need to stop drinking. Period. Whatever it takes. I feel there are grave consequences if I don’t heed this warning.
I feel happy to know that there is lake access at this campsite. I feel reflective, and this feels like the more perfect fit for my mood. I have tried to determine if campfires are permitted, but this is unclear. Sure would be nice if they were. I am also excited about spending a week or more at this site. I need the extra time to myself.
How to make the most of Mercury Retrograde: “Take part in the re-s, like re-fresh, re-vive, re-view, re-boot, re-bound, re-call, re-concile, re-focus, etc. We are encouraged to tie up loose ends. Mercury Retrograde also favors re-writing, revising and editing, re-working your personal mission statement, your bio, etc. Read old journals for reflection and revelation. Work to do what has been left undone.
5p I finally made it to Whiskey Rock Bay. I had to wind my way through a narrow, rocky mountain road to get here. GPS tried to take me through a dangerous washout, but fortunately I was warned and able to get turned around. Signal was lost after that, and I had to pay close attention and persevere for more than two hours to get here. I almost gave up. I’m so glad I didn’t.
What did I learn? I was not adequately prepared. I should have done more research on the area, and I should have had a physical map. I need to know that I can’t always rely on technology to save the day.
It was cool, overcast and still damp when I arrived. It had been sprinkling most of my trek in, and the forecast calls for rain tonight (40%), so I decided to just sleep in the car tonight and set up the tent tomorrow. I re-packed the car to make room for me to stretch out across the back in my sleeping bag.
I have already started a fire, as it is rather chilly. I was gifted a very nice pile of firewood with this camp! Plenty of large logs and plenty of kindling. What I am in need of are the medium sticks to really get it stoked and burning, so I am having to tend it very often. Not a bad trade-off for such a wonderful gift.
I forgot the dog food for Justice! And this time out, there is no little town ten minutes away to resupply me. Good thing I grabbed that package of salami. She thought it was a real treat! lol It will do.
8p I am “camped” in the back of my car at Whiskey Rock Bay, and it’s only eight o’clock. I never did get the fire raging, so the chill got to me quickly. I added layers, but it was finally my feet that made me cry uncle – even though I had two pairs of socks on with my cowboy boots, which are lined. I am such a wimp when it comes to the cold. I am actually grateful to be sleeping in my bag in the car tonight.
It actually feels pretty cool to be camping in the car. I am using my battery-powered 10-day lantern for the first time, and I have Edward’s sleeping bag rolled up behind me like a back prop. Justice is curled up and comfortable. My nose is cold, but otherwise I am comfortable too.
The sun sets over the lake here. I hope the sky clears enough for me to be able to enjoy it some nights while I am here.
Things have to change. I have to change my life. To walk through this season, this crazy opportunity, and not be transformed would be akin to the unpardonable sin. Oh how I want to taste the change! I have to simply want it more than I want alcohol. I know that I cannot have both. There is no more fooling myself. I cannot accept and put on this new life unless and until I have discarded the old one. And time is a-wasting.
7a From Divine Living, September horoscopes:
“September brings significant celestial and planetary influences. Regardless of your astrological sign, prepare for change. Be open to letting go of the things that do not serve you, so you can call in exactly what does. Do not hold on too tightly to what you think ‘needs’ to happen. Instead, surrender and trust. By the end of the month, we’ll have the perfect conditions to manifest.”
“Gemini: With your ruler, Mercury, retrograde for the majority of the month, be prepared to go inward. Mercury retrograde certainly complicates life for you. However, this retrograde period may feel a bit ‘light’ since Mercury will be traversing Jupiter, a planet infamously known for gifts and abundance. Speaking of Jupiter, the ambassador of good luck moves from Virgo to Libra, an excellent position for you. Jupiter in a fellow air sign makes a harmonious angle to your sun, helping you out immensely this month. Expect big things with your career come the full moon lunar eclipse on the 16th, happening in your house of fame. Even though you may have to release something of value, trust that it’s for your highest good. The divine new moon on the 30th opens up the doors to your creativity. Stay grounded and take care of you.”
Another note on this Mercury retrograde: “Fixed star Markeb represents a spiritual quest involving learning and sharing of knowledge in service to others.”
This retrograde period is perfect for the introspection and deep soul work I am in need of right now. I believe my online communications should wait until after I return from Yellowstone, perhaps around the lunar eclipse on the 16th.