10:27a “There is a thinking stuff from which all things are made and which, in its original state, permeates, penetrates and fills all the interspaces of the universe. A thought held in this substance produces the thing that is imaged by the thought. Man can form things in his thought, and by impressing his thought upon formless substance, can cause the thing he thinks about to be created. In order to do this, man must pass from the competitive to the creative mind. He must form a clear mental picture of the thing he wants, and do – with faith and purpose – all that can be done each day, doing each separate thing in an efficient manner.” ~The Science of Getting Rich by Wallace D. Wattles
I am loving this book! I don’t have to feel bad or guilty about the things which I desire. It’s okay for me to want money and to have money – for all good purposes. I will become wealthy, and it is my Father’s good pleasure to grant me the desires of my heart. Instead of trying to figure out what I should want, I can just express my desires and call them to me naturally. There is nothing noble in sacrificing my true desires in favor of some charitable notion.
So, what do I really want? Specifically.
– I want the winery to be wildly successful, with an amazing cheese program and local foods pairing
– I want a home for Edward and me, with room for family, guests and entertaining
– I want art. A LOT of art. And only good, original art.
7:06a I had a strange dream last night. I dreamt that Chris Brown invited me to participate in an art show at a large downtown library. I was to help hang the show, then free to enjoy it and the library. I don’t remember doing much actual hanging.
Next thing I remember, I wander into the “ocular room”, where all of the art is devoted to the geometric spiral. I am mesmerized by this room, and I pull out my notebook and plant myself on the floor for a while, to stay and study.
At some point, Chris Brown comes in and sees me there. He seems happy that I am fascinated, and in his usual playful attitude begins to mimic this dance with me, the one performed by the couple on the video “Close“.
Cause space is just a word made up by someone who’s afraid to get too… close. Close.
It is playful and intense at the same time, sensual but not at all sexual. His eyes are fun and penetrating too at times. We laugh, and he moves on.
The next thing I remember, I am bleeding menstrual blood, heavily. I am trying to stop it, but I can’t. I get up to find a restroom, and it’s like the dam breaks. I am leaving a trail of blood as I go, a fairly substantial one.
I go into a hallway and up a set of stairs. There is already a trail of blood here, much like the one I am leaving. I feel almost relieved that I am not the only one, though it feels weird to see so much blood at the same time.
I reach the bathroom door, push it open, and find two beautiful asian women, bloody and dead, sprawled into the bathroom. “Well I am not using this bathroom”, I think to myself, with only a hint of a danger feeling.
I return the way I came, seeing a lot of blood again along the way. I reach the bathroom on the next lower level. When I push the door open, there are several beautiful asian women gathered there, looking confused. They have been cut in different places – legs, arms, backs, buttocks. They are touching the gashes, trying to understand them, and to stop the bleeding. Now I sense danger.
8:04a For all my starts and stops and hiccups and outright stubbornness, this will be the one that sticks. How do I know this? I don’t know. I just know.
I thought I was being reborn that day in Summer’s garden. Silly me, it was the beginning of the rebirth process – called death. I even started my period, which I recognized as significant, but I still thought it meant birth. I thought I was being set free. I was, but not in the way I thought. Often we must tear down before we can rebuild.
Truth cannot always comfort us. Sometimes it must cut us to the bone, the marrow even, before it can set us free.
“No discipline is enjoyable while it is happening. It is painful! But afterward there will be a peaceful harvest of right living for those who are trained in this way.” ~Hebrews 12:11
I was entering death there. Death of the old, that the new may be reborn. It feels like so many blows coming at me all at once. Just when I think I can’t take any more, there comes another.
But I know this builds fortitude of character, and there is a promise waiting on the other side. Not only have I consented to this training, I have begged for it. The dream me is not a drinker. I will do whatever it takes to be free.
It was another night of restless sleep. Fear tried to grip me again. I fought it for hours as the white-hot ball of liquid anxiety pulsed at my core. We were in bed shortly after 11p, but it was closer to 3a before I actually slept. Then I drifted in and out, mostly in, until the alarm at seven. I have had only one good night of sleep since Sarah quit, eleven days ago.
6:05a I spent a full week with little sleep when Sarah and Tasha quite the tasting room. I only recovered two days ago, when Mom’s cocktail of sleep aid and ibuprofen and a glass of wine finally knocked me out. Just in time to collect Edward from the airport and drive to Bellingham to check out a possible wedding venue – Glen Echo Gardens.
The next morning, yesterday, we were en route to Walla Walla, driving the backroads to save time, struggling to stay productive with spotty cell and internet service. We were between Othello and Vantage when the car died. Edward managed to get us onto the shoulder, where we were stranded for the next three hours.
(: Miraculously :), in that very spot we had a 4G network, four bars of cell service, and an amazing view. I was struck by the beauty and good fortune we were enjoying. I had purchased roadside assistance with the vehicle, and the dealer was a wonderful help. We were kept safe, including the $400 in cheese I was hauling for the club.
The tow was reasonable, the driver friendly, and the Subaru staff were compassionate and helpful. They even had a dog park! where I could let Justice out to stretch her legs, rehydrate, and relax in the shade while my loaner car was arranged.
I fought fear all day, refusing to allow it to root in my mind. I know it was an oil issue, even though my indicator light never came on. I know. I fought fear of the tow charges. I fought fear of the damage to my vehicle. I fought fear of the semi trucks blowing by within inches of us. I fought fear and negative thoughts and used Facebook to stay entertained and positive. Every time fear tried to bully its way into my mind, I repeated my mantras over and over to drown him out. *No fear*. *I am full of faith*. and *I will have all the resources I need*.
I began to feel weak, hungry, exhausted, and I continued the good fight. Edward was by my side, and Justice was peaceful behind us. Fear raged its attack, and in my fatigue I rested my forehead to Edward’s shoulder and said – out loud – what I chose to believe, no matter what. *I will have all the resources I need*. *I will have all the resources I need*. *I will have all the resources I need*. At that very moment, I received an email notification on my phone. I just had a wallet load from ASEA. I can’t remember the last time I had a wallet load.
It wasn’t about the thirty dollars. It was personal. It was confirmation that my message was received, and that Infinite Intelligence and Love is acting on my behalf. Today is another miracle.
What I didn’t record in my journal that day was the fact that I was on my way to Walla Walla for my alcohol eval, which was required of me as part of my DUI. Edward and I had stayed up late drinking the night before, and I was very hungover. The breakdown kept me from making my appointment – and from testing positive for alcohol on the eval.
I knew better than to drink the night before my eval! I had been kicking myself all morning, certain of the impending doom when I met with the evaluator. How could I have been so reckless and stupid?!
The miracle of that day included the fact that I felt rescued from my own self-sabotage. I was being given a second chance – one that I didn’t deserve, but one that I was going to make the most of. I was able to reschedule my appointment, and I passed the eval with flying colors. In addition, the $5,000 of damage to my car was completely covered by the insurance company, and she got a brand new engine, effectively erasing our previous 75,000 miles of wear and tear – on her anyway.
I didn’t know at the time how important these factors would be, that I would spend the next two years living in that vehicle, exploring wild and untamed places, climbing rugged mountains, off-roading to secluded peaks and valleys, traversing empty and arid deserts, crossing the country from coast to coast five times, and putting in another 75,000 miles on the road full time.
11:25p Just dropped Edward at the airport. He is only away one week this time, but it still feels hard to be away from him. At the same time, it allows me to reset and focus on our goals.
The urge for alcohol is leaving me. I watched Into the Wild tonight, and it reminds me of all the things I dream about. Travel, freedom, nature, truth, good company, clear thinking, clean living. Alcohol is not part of that equation. The dream me is not a drinker. She imbibes deeply the elixir of life.
I put Pandora on when I returned from the airport tonight. I usually enjoy the silence when Edward leaves. Tonight is just too quiet. I am grateful for Justice, my constant companion.
It was a good day. Early on I was upset because we weren’t *doing* anything. But I – we – needed a day of rest. We watched a romantic comedy last night then spent over an hour dancing. I followed Edward’s lead, and we just enjoyed the music and each other. We were up until 1:30a and made love before bed.
So we slept in this morning – until 9:30a! I never really recovered, and my head felt fuzzy all day. We had eat-out leftovers for lunch, made love twice more, then napped until 4:30p. We browsed wedding venues and researched local cheeses. It was a great mix of relaxation and responsibility.
It’s been one week since I left my weed behind in Spokane. I don’t miss it – at all. In fact, it feels great to be clean and clear-minded. I feel less compelled to drink too. I am actually looking forward to being sober as well.
“Cherish your visions and your dreams as they are the children of your soul, the blueprint of your ultimate achievements.” ~Napoleon Hill
I keep seeing a vision of me sitting high on the mountain, on a craggy rock, overlooking a magnificent view of waters and trees, feeling totally serene. Why do movies like Into the Wild and the book by Cheryl Strayed move me so deeply? Why do I long to hike the Appalachian Trail and the Pacific Crest Trail and the Great Wall of China? Why does wild nature scare me and call to me so? Why do I want to build a tiny house in the middle of nowhere beauty in Montana?
Could these dreams and this vision actually be the blueprint of my ultimate achievements? Am I meant to be in the wild, exploring? Is my longing for nature’s solitude more than just a selfish whim?, irresponsible hiding? Is my real purpose hiding there?
What about being wed to Edward? Will he wander with me? Will he bring balance?
And what of writing? Will I ever write my story?
I am not afraid of parting with things and people that hurt me. They don’t understand, but neither do I. Somehow that has to be okay.
3a Can’t sleep. I had a breakdown yesterday. I am mentally and emotionally exhausted. I need help. Good help. Reliable help. Help!
I don’t know how to do this. It feels like everything is falling apart, and I’m like the little dutch boy with my finger in the hole, trying to stop the water from pouring through.
I am supposed to be in the power phase of my cycle, but instead I feel powerless and weak and frustrated, and I want to say the hell with it. I feel angry and used and alone.
There are times when I worry about my using weed to lift my mood, but then there are nights like last, when I was a total mess, and the weed helped me keep it together and smile at Mom and listen to her stories.
7:47a Sometimes I think – why bother trying? I am just going to live and die like every other person on the planet. Why go for anything? Then I remember who sends thoughts like that, and I straighten my crown.
No matter what is happening in my life right now, I am OKAY. I just keep putting one foot in front of the other, doing the best I can with what I have. I feel fully depleted, but I just keep going.
Am I under attack? I keep thinking of words in Outwitting the Devil by Napoleon Hill. The Devil induces us with negative thoughts then occupies that portion of our brain. I wonder sometimes if these thoughts are even mine. And that reminds me of what I learned at Crosslife.
“It is in desperate situations that genius occurs, for it is now that we must release old thought habits and focus our energy and creativity on the challenge ahead. It is now that we discover stores of intelligence and strength we didn’t know we had. This can be just what we need for real change.”
9:01p My thoughts are like a pinball, bouncing around. That’s what makes it so difficult to write as of late. But maybe, if I put my pen to paper, I could focus them.
No matter how many times I fall, I will get back up again.
4:44p Life will end tomorrow.
I have lived at the extreme of this belief as long as I can remember. That is why I push so hard, so fast, every day, until I am exhausted and burned out. That is why I can’t let myself rest or dally. I have this deep, subconscious fear that today will be my last day, and I don’t want to waste it.
I am only just coming to see and acknowledge the seasons as being constant, like the dawning of the sun is constant. One day follows the next, one season follows the next, predictable and dependable. Life can be the same, I suppose.
What might happen if I choose to see and experience life as dependable instead of fleeting?
5a Change is so hard. Why should it be so hard? I cannot seem to stop drinking. I keep making my mind up, and then I keep changing it. All of my little tricks fall short. What the hell am I going to do???
I keep thinking things will be different. I keep intending things to be different. But they end up so much the same. How can I be so damn stubborn? But stubborn I am, and I refuse to give up. It should be so easy. Just. Don’t. Drink. But I just keep drinking. Why?
3p I am naked in bed at 3p on a Monday afternoon. It has been a relaxing day so far. We had our Team Call and a productive cheese chat. I made a decent, healthy lunch for us. Edward and I made love and took a nap. (Well, Edward is napping. I am writing and taking naked selfies. ;)) The scent of sex is still heavy in the air. I feel like lion again.
It was a whirlwind of a weekend. I sold over $1300 in cheese at the Forgeron event on Saturday – 43 lbs of cheese, 86 units, for 180 people. I still can hardly believe it.
We have a Microsoft event tonight – $500 in room rental and a mixed case of wine to get the night started. There are tasks that need my attention, but I just feel that rest is most needed now. The next three weeks are very busy again with Spring Release events and wine club socials. A little indulgence seemed fitting, especially since we will be working tonight.
9:35a I forgot to call Michele yesterday. Well, I did remember her and her birthday, but then I got involved in work and forgot to make time to call her. I don’t suppose she could hate me more than she already does anyway.
October 17, 2019: Forgotten birthdays are a common occurrence for me. It’s a part of me I do not understand. I do love deeply. I think about my beloved heartstrings all of the time. I dive into memories of the time we have shared. I feel proud and moved by certain character traits they possess. I feel a yearning to be deeply connected in conversation and presence.
And yet I keep my distance. Most of my friends and family would tell you they feel neglected by me. I never seem to have time for them. I don’t remember their birthdays. I don’t send cards or gifts anymore. I don’t call, and I rarely answer their calls.
And yet, deep down inside, I cherish them. Why do I find myself incapable of showing it?
I long for more than personal development and professional accomplishment these days. I long for deep, authentic connection.
But longing will not make it so. It’s the doing that follows the longing that has the capacity for change. How now shall I live?