To will and to do

August 7, 2016 ~ Sunday

7:13a 1- I am grateful for me leopard print fuzzy pajamas because they are soft and comfortable and make me feel good.
2- I am blessed by the cute and funky bracelet I purchased as it nourishes me and supported a local artist.
3- I am grateful for my curvy, athletic body that Edward loves to look at and can’t keep his hands off.
4- I am grateful that my father denied me support after my youth as it caused me to become independent and resourceful, qualities that have served me well.
5- I am blessed by the breeze that rustles my hair and graces my cheek, bringing alive the me the presence of God.
6- I am grateful for the little messages and reminders that my dreams are inevitable and will indeed be mine.
7- I am grateful for my cooperative spirit and the blessing of community that brings us all together.
8- I am grateful to have found yoga as a peaceful, beautiful source of health, grounding and balance.
9- I am grateful for flights of fancy that remind me that life is joyful and not to take things so seriously.
10- I am grateful to have had the opportunity to design the space in Spokane, as I learned a tone and it really does feel like my very own.

Thank you, god for all that you are, all that you do, all that you show me, all that you develop within me, all that connects us. Thank you that you work in one to will and to do, according to your good pleasure. ❤

Words of blessing

August 6, 2016 ~ Saturday

7:15a 1- I am grateful for Steve Scroggins as he always speaks words of blessing over my life and dreams.
2- I am grateful that Edward is taking more of a leadership role in the company as it allows me to move into the roles that best suit me.
3- I am grateful for the team that is being built in Spokane as it allows us to share the responsibilities and blessings and enables me to work without exhaustion.
4- I am so very grateful for the coffee/tea mug I found and acquired yesterday as it will be a continual reminder of my worth and will help me to further establish my wealth consciousness.
5- I am grateful for Michelle, my new curator, as she will help me stay accountable for my projects in the art community.
6- I am grateful for the beautiful laptop case I am carrying as it displays me as a woman executive who is both classy and powerful.
7- I am grateful for my lean body as its strength will carry me to a beautiful view to collect my magic rock.
8- I am grateful for the means to have my nails look beautiful as they make me feel beautiful and feminine.
9- I am grateful to live in a place that is comfortable and functional, easy to keep up and close to nature.
10- I am grateful to have cute shoes that connect me to the earth yet make me feel like I could fly.

My favorite day of the month

August 5, 2016 ~ First Friday

7a-ish It’s First Friday! My favorite day of the month! And I get to get out today and explore! I have a new curator who is new to the area, and I am curious about her and her role in my life. I get to wander around the city, meeting people, taking in the arts, and my tasting room is fully covered and well-managed by my future husband and our team. I am blessed and highly favored!

I have four days of abstinence under my belt, and I feel AMAZING. It’s so easy, and I love being sober. My interactions with Edward are full of love and passion and admiration. I am so very, deeply grateful.

1- I am grateful for First Friday because I actually get to meet and develop relationships with wonderful people and to fill my home with personally meaningful works of art created by these beautiful people.
2- I am blessed to have Edward in my life and to be engaged to him, as he genuinely adores and respects me, makes me smile, and brings balance to my life.
3- I am grateful for Pop and his example of thinking always on the positive and how this faith ensures the perpetuation of the company. He never lets me down.
4- I am blessed to have Justice, my trusty side-kick who protects me and loves me and radiates cuteness. 🙂
5- I am so very grateful to have Mom living and working with me, as she helps me and supports me in all I endeavor to dream and do – and she makes my house a home.
6- I am deeply grateful for a gifted mind that enjoys intellectual pursuits and meaningful conversations.
7- I am blessed to eat luxurious foods because they are healthy, taste amazing and make me feel wealthy.
8- I am grateful that God has taught me that I will have all the resources I need, as it allows me to relax and enjoy life, knowing all good things will come in due time.
9- I am grateful for tea, which gives me a healthy, tasty alternative to alcohol in beautiful mugs of wonder.
10- I am blessed to be able to travel, to see my family on special occasions and enjoy new places of adventure

Thank You, Thank You, Thank You!!!

Rise of the feminine

August 4, 2016 ~ Thursday

7:43a I had a dream last night. I only vaguely remember details. I was going to school as an imposter. We were lining up for the bus, and everyone had their name taped to their shoe. As I applied my tape, I noticed it was not my name, and I became worried. Could I get away with going with someone else’s name? Then I read the name and realized it was a boy’s name! Surely I would be found out! I tried to arrange the tape so that it would show I had it, but it would conceal the actual name. I knew if anyone read the name I would be discovered and asked to leave – or maybe worse – as I was clearly not a boy but a girl.

I wonder if perhaps this dream has a message for me? Am I approaching this new learning phase with only male energy? Am I learning (or desiring to learn) with the intent to act dynamically on this knowledge in order to control my environment and make things happen? Is the message purely informational, or is it suggesting a change?

If I am a girl, a woman, and Lion represents the rise of the feminine, I must adjust my approach to this learning to be feminine. I will need a great deal of guidance and support, as this is foreign territory to me. I cannot recall a time in my life where I understood and applied feminine energy to achieve my goals. Is the achievement of goals even feminine itself?

Trusting my internal compass

August 3, 2016 ~ Wednesday

8a I am enjoying this work with the archetypes. I get a sense that they are unlocking a deeper understanding of myself. I feel a temptation to want to seek out a teacher to guide me, instead of trusting my own internal compass and instincts.

My inner child archetype

August 2, 2016 ~ Tuesday

8:04a Reading Sacred Contracts by Caroline Myss. In the chapter on archetypes, something struck me about the Inner Child. Could it be that my party attitude springs from a resentment of being deprived of FUN as a child? Never getting to go out and hang out with my friends. Always having to work and strive and be perfect. Never getting to cut loose and act silly – and do dumb things.

Is my Inner Child somehow always trying to make up for this deprivation? How can I help her heal?

Another stab at abstinence

August 1, 2016 ~ Monday

8:04a Day One. I almost talked myself out of it. I almost talked myself into attempting moderation again this month. I almost decided that it was good enough to limit myself to two drinks each night. Then I broke my own rule immediately. I had at least three drinks last night, smoked at least two bowls, and passed out in the chair again.

I need to come to grips with the plain fact that I am addicted. The beast is a craving lunatic that will take me down a road to destruction. Like action always produces like results. Oh how the beast desires its pleasures. It almost had me.

Day One. I decided to do it. I will abstain for the month of August. I will abstain for the entire month. No allowance for “work” conditions. No tasting the lineup. No tasting with cheese. No.

I hear both sides of the argument. I feel the deep sigh of relief at the idea of freedom. And I feel the trepidation and rationalization of the addictive voice. How will I do my job?, it asks me emphatically. I don’t know. All I know is that I will not drink for the month of August.

Day One. I woke tired and hungover. I almost poured a little Riesling to help me through it, but I stopped myself. My first little victory. How will I handle the withdrawal symptoms? I don’t know.

6:14p It felt good to get in a hike today! We did the five mile loop at Iller Creek with Justice. As I walked, I felt like a whole new person, one who is living free from addiction and fear and guilt and shame.

My first challenge came when we decided to go out for happy hour – and decided to try a new pizza place. I really wanted a beer with my pizza. Edward was gracious enough not to order one either. I was slightly tempted to order one, the addictive voice coming up with rationalization, but instead I stood firm in my commitment. It felt really weird to not have a beer with my pizza, but I just focused on how great it would feel to not have to log in all of those calories.

My cheerfulness has waned as the evening approaches and I try to figure out how to stay clean and sober. I made a trip to the library in hopes of scoring a good book or two to help me.