The last crossroads

July 31, 2016 ~ Sunday

6a I feel the need to cultivate meaningful relationships. Who will come to my funeral? What would they say about me? What are the most important themes in my life?

So I seriously want to see what it would be like to go thirty days with no mood-altering substances. No alcohol, no weed, as I don’t want to just replace one addiction with another. I am excited and nervous at the thought. I have been at this crossroads so many times, deciding to take a stand and change my drinking habit; only to fail again and again. October was supposed to be abstinence month. Then January. Then April. What will make this time different?

I have tea. Tea in the evening really does help. I want to record these thirty days, honestly. The good, the bad and the beautiful. Thirty days.

The Gift of Hospitality – This is the hallmark of Patit Creek Wine & Cheese. Our operations and events are focused on hospitality, making our guests feel comfortable and important. How can I learn to be a good hostess?, to create a sparkling environment that is imbued with the genuine delights of hospitality? And is this indeed my service to the world? The world sure needs it.

Withdrawals from my integrity account

July 30, 2016 ~ Saturday

5:01p I am at Mirabeau Park, sitting on a rock and looking out over the lazy river. I wanted to come here alone after John’s funeral. I needed the healing, cleansing power of nature.

I don’t get out into nature often enough. All I do is so focused on work. I don’t take enough time to nurture myself and do the things I love to do. I intend to change that. I intend to be more purposeful about my passions.

A wedding party just invaded my space. It was cute, and I’ll bet the photographs will be awesome. I snapped a couple of shots myself.

I came here to do some soul searching. I let my drinking get out of control again last night, and I have no idea why. I am facing the abstinence question again, as it appears I cannot moderate. Of course I am considering Aug 1st as my start date.

I have been faithful in my morning “home court habits” – visualizing our dreams, calling my future into my present, working out, making a healthy brunch, and working and playing diligently and mindfully. I am so excited to be chasing our dreams! Why then, did I over-indulge last night? There was no reason for it. No reason at all.

Can I actually make it 30 days? And if I do, what happens after that? There is so much I will miss, but don’t I have more to look forward to? How can I do my job without drinking? Why do I feel so wimpy? This should NOT be the death of me. I am bigger and badder than this.

7:30p I am vacillating, going back and forth on the abstinence question. One part of me thinks it should be enough to just create boundaries and follow them. No drinks before close, only two drinks per day. But I have tried moderating so many times, and what is the definition of insanity?

I find an infinite number of reasons to excuse my indulgences. I read recently that is the addictive voice, coming from the beast. Any high, any low, all are good reasons to drink. I can establish all the boundaries I want, but the addictive voice finds ways and means of circumventing them.

What would life be like without alcohol??? Don’t I deserve to find out?! Here is a crazy concept – just try it. What is the worst that could happen if I don’t drink in August? Actually, the worst that could happen is to let myself down. I can’t stand making withdrawals from my integrity account. I need to know I can depend on myself.

I cried a lot at John’s funeral today. I don’t know why. I was not that close to him. He was a dear, sweet man, but there is no real loss for me. I barely saw him or thought about him. Why does it sting so? I could hardly contain my tears during the entire day. And now I feel wiped out, weak and weepy.

I miss Edward. I wish he would hurry home so we can spend the evening together.

Wedding planning

July 28, 2016 ~ Thursday

7:16a I am defeating the beast. I am learning its tricks and charms, and I recognize more and more of all it steals from me. It will say and do anything to get what it wants. And it is never enough. It is never satisfied. But it is not my master.

Edward is back, and that makes life easier and better all around. We have been doing some wedding planning, and that has been fun. We met with a caterer to talk about our foodie ideas and started putting together a guest list.

I am stringing together more and more functional days, and I am getting good things accomplished. It never quite feels like enough, and I am learning to live with that. The more I focus on my dreams, the more driven I become. I want to know that I have done all that I could do each day, with faith and purpose.

I am definitely in transition. There is part of me holding back and holding on to old thoughts and patterns. There is part of me emerging, blossoming, and walking confidently forward. Lion is my constant guide and companion.

A community of never not broken

July 9, 2016 ~ Saturday

6:58a I am sleeping better and better, and I am dreaming. I feel rested and happy in the morning, ready to welcome a new day of fun and exciting possibilities. I appreciate the ability to reframe my thinking and the faith – the absolute faith – that my dreams are being made real and are speedily coming toward me.

I am learning to delegate and follow up. This is the most important lesson of this season. I simply cannot do it all. I don’t have to nor should I. Ant is Community, and we are a team of committed people. It is good that I share the joys and challenges of our company with our team!

I am taking time to rest as I need and asking for help when I need it too. People are quick to rally to my aid as I have served others as well. People don’t want to disappoint me; they don’t want to let me down.

Problems are resolving themselves as I continue to do all that can be done each day, efficiently, with faith and purpose. I believe, I feel, and I know that we will have all the resources we need.

No matter how perfect I try to be, I am never not broken, nor can I please everyone, but I can be pleasing to everyone. Thank you, God for bringing me to life and right relationship!!! ❤

The dream me is not a drinker

July 4, 2016 ~ Monday

It’s working. I am visualizing the things I want. I am believing they are coming to me. I am feeling excited about the changes in my life and in my money story. And I want to drink less. I am enjoying all of the benefits of having a clear mind and clean body. The dream me is not a drinker!

Instead of feeling exhausted at the idea of going to Mary’s house tonight, I am stoked. I know I don’t have to put on a certain face, and I know I don’t have to act a certain way. I can just show up and enjoy her company. And get Mom out of the house again for a few hours. And honor and celebrate the birth of our country. I have not taken short cuts, and I have earned this day of rejuvenation. I even took a nap – all by myself – and actually napped and didn’t even feel the least bit guilty about it.

I told myself a different story

June 30, 2016 ~ Thursday

10:05p Shouldering such a heavy burden right now, and I was tempted to feel irritated and exhausted when I got home, but I told myself a different story, and guess what? It worked! I had the same amount of time, the same duties and obligations and responsibilities, but I developed a different demeanor. I just told myself a different story.

If I were alive, optimistic and happy

June 29, 2016 ~ Wednesday

7:28p I have been diving into more reading on the power of our thoughts, words and actions. I have been feeling bulldozed by everything happening lately, and I have been mentally fighting it. What would I do right now if I were feeling alive, optimistic and happy? Let’s do that!

10p That’s three times in two days that I was able to pull myself out of a defeated, exhausted mindset in order to accomplish something that was important and would ultimately feel good – even if, at the time, it was the last thing I felt like I wanted to do. Go ME!

It is tough to stay mentally positive when so much is coming at you. I figure it’s like any muscle. I was so strong in this area when I was running The Source. I fell into atrophy since, but I can get it back – and in a more balanced way.

I am surprised to discover that I want to feel more settled – right now anyway. I was excited at the idea of being in Spokane for a solid month, only to discover that I have to take three separate trips into Walla Walla. Short trips, but they eat up my time nonetheless. August is wine and cheese shipments. I really want to slow down. I need to train up my next generation. In faith, not fear!!!