6p I have returned to Spokane, and I feel infinitely better here. There is just something about the energy in Woodinville. I have suddenly stopped missing Edward as well. And how strange. I had to fight back the tears and anxiety yesterday. I am all over the place!
Excited about my road trip, but wanting to stay warm and curled up on the couch. I suppose I am just tired.
From Windhorse Woman:
“I remember one time that Agnes had me write down the feelings that I had as a child, the feelings that I grew up with in my home. Then she asked me, ‘How many of these feelings do you re-create in your daily life now that you’re an adult?’ I realized that the life situations were very different. I certainly wasn’t married to a man like my father, but the stress I was under, the relationships that I chose, mostly romantic relationships, all gave me the same kind of stress and difficulty I had as a kid.
“I began to realize the immense importance of giving that up. Agnes had looked at me at that time and said, ‘Lynn, now you know the reason you are on this good mother earth. Now you know why you chose the parents that you chose. You chose them to give you the problems or gifts that you have in this lifetime. They gave you a set of emotional problems that you need to solve and to understand. As a result of that, you will become much closer to being an enlightened woman. When you can live in happiness and joy and peace instead of tension and chaos and pain and terror, when you can choose happiness, the other side of the abyss from where you stood while growing up, you will be an evolved being. You will have done the work you have come into this lifetime to do.'”
What are the emotions I grew up with?, and how do I re-create these emotions in my everyday life?
* pain – physical and emotional pain and abuse
* absence (void) – my father being “gone” and me being vulnerable
* fear and insecurity – never knowing what will happen next
* vulnerability – a lack of protection
* needing to be perfect, wishing I could be perfect in order to avoid the pain and chaos
* rage – rage and anger over the injustice
* nakedness and shame
I choose for myself men who are absent from life, leaving me to fend for myself – physically, emotionally and financially. Abuse in its milder forms has continued, and I allow it (thinking I should just not push buttons).
8a A lot has happened so far in the month of October. I arrived in Woodinville with a plan-ish. Spend some time with Edward. Spend some time with Susie and Tom, helping with the annual wine party. Prepare for my cross-country jaunt. Prepare to say goodbye for a spell.
Then I drank and we fought hard and I ended up dazed and confused for a full week – concussion. I drank all week during the recovery, and I am pretty sure I have liver issues now.
I behaved more like my old self at the wine party, telling my old stories like when I was running the winery business.
My belief in this trip to Florida is waning. My conviction of a fresh start as well. I actually started entertaining the idea of project work for Patit Creek again! What kind of crazy am I???
Now it feels crazy to take the trip. What kind of sane person does this? My creativity and good fortune reside with my rebel archetype, so why not just go for it?! Damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead.
Why would I not allow myself this amazing gift? Is the professional me really worth more than this journey? What do I care what other people think? What do I care if this is crazy? What do I care about starting over with next to nothing? This could be the epic adventure of my life – pass or fail. Why deny myself?
2p The masculine energy pursues his targets and goals with dynamic force, hunting and capturing his prize through strength, speed, stamina…
The feminine, Sacred Observer, simply watches and waits, magnetizing the world toward her, and she is receptive to its gifts!
The term *sacred observer* is from Windhorse Woman by Lynn V. Andrews. Also from Windhorse Woman:
“Everything happens so quickly at times. I have always been the kind of person who lives many events in rapid succession, and then I spend ages writing about them and catching up emotionally with what has happened to me.”
“‘Ah’, Ani said, squinting one eye, ‘you sound like a writer’. She laughed and then her face relaxed and she became serious. ‘These events do not happen to you. You are the event… so when you try to understand a happening, remember that you are merely struggling to understand yourself.'”
3:30p Why have I spent so much of my life engaged in activities which dim and dull my mind? What am I so afraid of in there?
2p Just when you think you can’t sink any lower, life hits you again and plunges you deeper down that rabbit hole.
Edward and I fought hard on Friday night. It was a wonderful day and a magical evening. We met another long distance couple and shared our stories over fine wine, myself included. It just felt right.
The argument started at dinner afterward. There is a melancholy for me when I think about us. He gave up. He gave up on me. He gave up on our fairytale, our epic adventure. And I paid for it, in every way.
But here we sit, engaged – because I chose to make it happen for us, not him. And that hurts. Terribly.
I let that out over dinner, and he didn’t like it. He got mad, and we fought hard. I got broken.
Today has been the first day I have been able to write since. He threw me twice, and I smacked my head really hard – once outside on the ground, and once inside on the bathroom door jam. Either or both together compounded – I have concussion symptoms. It literally hurts to think. I cannot do a damn thing.
For the first time in our relationship, I cannot do a damn thing to help myself or take care of myself. It’s a hard place for him to be, especially with all that is happening with the company right now. And I want to sweep in and rescue him, but I can hardly focus my eyes on this page.
7a I believe I am entering another dark night of the soul. The ego is attached to many things – ease, comfort, achievement, reputation, acceleration, etc. It wants to pursue another avenue in order to feed itself, to feel worthy. But I can see clearly that all of these things are illusions, and they will never satisfy me.
No, nothing shall ever satisfy me. I will like and struggle and sacrifice, alone and confused, only to die and do it all over again. What a sick joke. There is no heaven. There is no freedom from sin. There is only darkness and seeking.
So how now shall I live? I do not even know the name of my beloved. Is Jesus my savior, or was he just another man? All that remains is the formless substance. The only comfort I can take is in believing that this original substance is good, infinite intelligence and infinite love.
So I guess this three month road trip is figurative of the spiritual journey I am embarking on. Alone, dark, cold, no real goal but to BE, to ALLOW. I assume there is some purpose that awaits me on the other side, but I do not know how deep or how far I must go before I emerge transformed. I do not know how much God will ask of me.
The rest and reward of the last four years is over. It is time to take up my armor once again and prepare for righteous battle. God help me.
6a I managed to spend the day sober yesterday! And it was Date Day! It was a struggle all day. The addictive voice had all kinds of rational excuses, and it was tough. But I did it.
So I really did have only one night off the wagon and got right back on, thanks to God.
I have been awake for close to an hour now, and I have nothing to show for it. I feel antsy and angry, and I don’t know why. Suddenly, everything seems so pointless.
I feel terminally bored. After six weeks of soul-searching, of quiet contemplation, I am ready to dive into the next season of my life. But I know the next season is not about what I can achieve. It is more about observation, and deep learning. Who can guide me into this? Ugh, I am so very bored.
12n I don’t know what is wrong with me today. Nothing seems worth doing. I tried reading – two different books, Facebook, internet research – but nothing seems of any interest or import. I thought about visiting a museum, but then thought why? I thought about going for a hike or a walk, but I don’t relish the idea of being cold right now. I thought about ordering the Living by Design system, but I am concerned it will be dumb and that I will feel angry for wasting two hundred bucks.
When all of my ambition is stripped away, what remains that has any value at all?
I am trying not to drink this away. I feel such a great level of discontent, and I just want it to go away. I just want to drink and forget my troubles. But then I will just be sick and tired, so what is the point of that?
I am doing all of the things I thought would be so awesome if I didn’t have a job, and what I am experiencing is disillusionment. Which makes me afraid to make any kind of new commitment at all, because what if every new endeavor just turns out the same? Looking good on the outside, but a total waste of time once you get a closer look.
I have reached a point where I feel like no matter what I do, no matter what I choose, it will be wrong – a waste of my time and a waste of my money and a waste of my life. Today just plain sucks.